day off..

the big day off to chi-town is coming up and i am getting kinda excited. i this wont be the first trip i'd be taking alone but this might as well be because i don't have someone that would probably be hella interested in hearing about my trip. but yes, stop being sad buddy. its a vacation!!! haha.. ok now i have a lot of things to do today as far as errands. i feel super good about having all these things to do and not having the anxiety of worrying about someone else. i have been feeling this whole single thing but still have my moments. its going to be hard getting back on track as a single guy and i feel like i have so much to do. i have been on this whole tip of thinking on talking things out with my ex. i know she probably doesn't want to hear from me at all but i think i need to get some things off my chest before i move on with my life. whether what i have to say to her makes our relationship tolerable, mututal, or unacceptable, unpleasant, or even significant, i feel like i must tell her my feelings. the entire truth never hit her ears. i'm the bad guy no matter what. what i did, according to my friends, is what happens and i need to move on. this i just can't seem to move on. there have been many other women that have come through my life in the past couple months and i dont think its something i can handle. my body says go for it but my heart stops me from making stupid bad choices. but then again i think that sometimes these stupid bad choices aren't stupid to begin with. maybe they are just acts of fate, trying to put in the right direction with the right people. hmmm.. ok well i need to be running errands now i have a busy ass day off and only have so much strength and will power to do it all before i start work once again..

oo and this video made me smile the other day =)

3am..

weird ass day for real. i began my day with the feeling of content being alone. as my day progressed i received some texts and talked to several friends of mine. i know from the last time i talk to my homegirl from work she said she wanted to kick it with some other coworkers. so we exchanged texts all day to see what we would do. we ended up in the mission, going to medjool on their sky terrace. it was beautiful. there was a great view of the san fran skyline. it made me want to consider staying in the bay area. well anyways, all while we were kicking it at medjool i was getting texts from another homegirl of mine. she is an old classmate from grammar school and we recently been kicking it more often. she is super cute.. i mean like wow.. anyways she has been hitting me up but i am actually totally sure she does not dig me. i guess she likes that i don't wanna get in her pants. i think i am only acting this way because i can't open up to people yet and it just plain old sucks ass.

this is what i want to say to you:

i miss you. why does everybody say, "i know its hard."? fuck yeah its hard! can't i miss someone?! its like i have to forget about her. i should live a life without remembering her. fuck that shit, she means alot to me and i just cant do that.

i miss you. i really do. my heart is out for you to take or to break. i have decided to expose myself to you knowing very well of the consequences. you have literally permeated my memory to a point where i can forget about you. everypart of my life you continue to communicate to me. if you don't want me in your life anymore please tell me so i can be...

loveless...

It has really been a hard past couple months. You know when people say to you, “Yeah, the first time is always hard.” Yeah, its freaking hard. It was reiterated in pretty much all the movies that I have seen the past couple of days.

In the 40 year old virgin, that one coworker was not over his girlfriend and it was 2 whole years from the time he broke up with her. It makes me think, is that going to happen to me? Am I going to weep over her for the next couple years of my life?

Or is it going to sound a lot like the ending of 2 days in Paris, is she going to fade out of my life?

This movie 2 days in Paris really gave me perspective on things in my life. I really thought about the part where they say to each other that they don’t know each other. I was with that women for 6 years of my life. Did I know her?

Sadly I don’t think I did get to know her. What happened at the leg of our relationship flipped my view of how she was. She was not the type of person to do those things to me. She was not her at all. She tried and tried to be was she was in our “honeymoon” phase. But something happened. I still don’t know what it is, but it really messed up our relationship. In that “honeymoon” phase she was herself. She didn’t hold back. She was in control of what she wanted out of a relationship with me and I was happy being with her. Me personally, I was happy as well but I think the best way to describe my mindset was “ignorance is bliss”. Simply I did not know what I wanted in my life. I found purpose in being with her. She gave me purpose. She was my everything and only thing. I think that became my problem and I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. Til this day, I still don’t know who I am. I have progressed though. I am not saying I’m happy that I am progressing in this light, but I guess that what life has called for me. Anyways im super stuffed and hella want to sleep. I got work early so I’ll try to write more another night. Good night world, I love you…

winter..

it has arrived.

well its been here and it sucks. it literally sucks. i say this because this cold weather is sucking the life out of me. the cold combined with the depression of this guilt i hold makes me so drained.

but to keep my spirits high, i feel like i have been making new friends fast and i seem to be having a great time just living it up as such. i drink to offset the cold i feel and spend time with people to get my mind off the whole ex-girlfriend thing. i know i seem to talk about it all the time with everyone i kick it with but i think that i am slowly letting go. its hurting to do so but i know its really helping more than anything.

i have been reading up on being alone and i find that i have plenty of soul searching to do. not so much as to looking for a siginificant other, but more along the lines of finding my soul. she was right when she said that i never found myself. i think i became so selfless that i could not provide the love needed to keep the relationship together. i never loved myself and was destroying our relationship as a result. i need to know what i want for me. i need to love me. i need to see me. its very complicated. i still find myself following the same pattern with my family and friends but i seem to be getting the idea of being selfish. its hard to do that because that is something not in my character. but it seems like a good direction to go. for starters, i didn't blab this blog so much about others in my life (or not in my life). its a start, i have to start somewhere. it feels pretty good to do so too. i have a life and i am feeling good about it for the first time in the past couple of months. i have freinds that call me up, i have a job that i am thankful for, i have what i need to succeed in whatever i may run into. hmm.. so i really like where my life is going and i think i am just slowing moving forward in my life. i have been standing still for the past couple months but i'm moving..

can't wait..

thursday is the day.. my last final for the semester and i can't wait till i hand in that test. i need this time off to just relax, evaluate and think about my life ahead of me. its been so hectic that i have not even had time to stop and think about the date. its friggin decemeber already!! time has been flying. days have no real signifigance to me. they used to.. now that i have started my life as just me, its been weird. difficult for sure. so much runs in my crazy mind that sometimes i just loose it. like today i felt like i was on crack. literally, i was shaking, my heart was racing, i could not keep still. i guess that what i get for drinking monster. its absolutly craziness. anyways i wanted to write about the last thing i did in my speech class for this semester. so before we entered speech class, i was all tweaked out on monster and a wreck from putting together our project. so we do our project (score! we got an A!) and we finish the class with a free write. first she tells us to put a number on a peice of paper. i picked 7. then she tells us to write for ten minutes straight. to put down our current thoughts and feelings and random stuff we have going on in out life. no surprise what i ended up writing about. yup... well anyways the number we wrote down represented number of years. she wanted us to put the peice of paper in an envelope and mark it the number of years later from today. i wonder what my life would be like in that many years? who will i be spending my life with? what job will i have? what city would i be living in? itll definitely be weird to read that in 7 years from now. i poured my feeling out on that peice of paper. it was filled with so much anger, frustration and sadness. that pretty much sums up my current life. mainly frustrated. i have just been a wreck trying to find out what i want for myself. what i want it life. ifi want a girlfriend, if i wanna live in the bay area, if i need to change my life to feel again. all this and more is in my head right now. hmm.. well i need to just suck it up and live my life. and chase that paper...

i do it to myself...

i am seriously killing myself slowly with these obsession to know what is going on im her life. why do i keep her on my buddy list on my ichat? i dunno to make yourself feel terrible for what you did to her?! face it justin she doesn't love you any more. she has moved on and wants a life with another cute boy that can talk her ear off. i never could do that. i was just the cute guy that gave her the world but with not much to say. what i did have to say was not as significant to her though. she didn't appreciate my incompetant conversation on cartoons and stupid shit. she wanted sophisticated, complex, deep conversation. with the mind that i have, i could never amount to the type of person that she wants. ever. she is so needy. when we were together, she would literally tell me to entertain her! so i tried my best and she was obviously bored out of her mind with me. thats why she looked to other means of finding that fix. face it, she needs other people in her life. as much as she says that she is an independent woman, she is someone that requires lots of attention. i gave as much as i could to her. yet with all i gave was not enough. i would travel to her side of the bay multiple times a week to see her, i would pick her sister up from school when all her family members were busy, i would help her family with their church events, i would fall asleep for hours in my car waiting for her to open her door at her house so i dont wake her family up, i sacrificed so much. why does this hurt so much? i badly want to speak with her but u know she is avoiding me. i know for the first two months she was missing me like crazy. i was as well but too wrapped up in the mindset of "i should of done this a long time ago". now i regret what i said and am sad and lonely this holiday season. she made my day with her cute smile and beautiful eyes. she was the literaly "the apple of my eye". my heart drops everytime i think about her not being in my arms. its hitting me now. i remeber the day i let her go. it was numb. no feelings. no releif. no pleasure. no pain. just numb. i remember i was in a state of uncertainty, but now i am leaning towards regret and sadness. do i talk to her? if i do, should i after the holidays? will she still feel for me the way she once did? will i? hmm.. in these times of hardship i turn to God, and i pray. i have been praying everyday for her. i pray that she is safe and happy with whatever life she lives. i pray the same for myself, but i seem to find no answer to any of my prayers. life is rough, i dig and i find dirt that i don't want to see. its too late for me to take that back, i have seen too much and it has once again changed my veiw on my life choice. her words hurt and its only fair for her to give such recourse. my life is oh so confused and i dont know where i'm going. i have no purpose, expect myself. i don't think i ever found worth in myself. i think that maybe the problem in me. i need to be me and love me before i can give again. because i think the way our relationship played out, i never really knew what i wanted. i appreciated the love and that was all i needed from her. i guess i need more. she needed more and i couldn't give it to her. she wanted that fire and excitement of conversation. i could love without it. if our relationship was based on communication without words, i think we would be alright but she needed that stimulation. hmm.. i'm not that guy for her i guess. i gave as much as i could, the world and more. i hesitated to commit because of this and because i was i just pressured. she has a plan. i have a feeling. she had that feeling before me and i could not deal with not being on the same level. its hard when we're on different levels. she still means a lot to me and i think that is my problem right now. i have too much on my mind about her that i can't focus on other things in my life. i just need to slow my roll in life and find what i want, find satisfaction in me. find that i am a great person, that i love myself. Lord i hope i find that....

i know this is really dumb but there when we broke up, "broke up", it was kind of ignited by the movie Last Kiss with Zach Braff. there was this song in the movie that was oh so sad and just made me feel super terrible. i know this sounds bad, but i just kept listening to it the past couple days although it reminded me of us splitting. its like i have this unconscious feeling of "letting go, wanting to feel free from her grasp". she still holds my heart and i feel like i need something that can help me cry it out or just get it out of my system. she was my first and only kiss. i cant say the same for her. so now i start crying at the end of this damn post.... sorry, the words last kiss.. i cant stand it, i will never get it from her... i cry because i miss her.. and want closure or continuation. i don't know what i want i just want this void in my heart to go away, because its affecting everything in my life right now. my emotions for her, affect how i study, how i look at my hobbies, my interests, everything. she is still in my life... so yeah that song i was talking about its very intense for a slow and soft song. the artist is imogen heap and the song is "hide and seek".

update..

been hard to live my life as i used to. there is no substitute for the one i loved. i say the one i loved, because i feel everyday, my feelings for her fade. the one thing that gets me is that i feel like she is just talking shit about me to everyone. like i was the biggest jerk in the world and that just hurts so freaking much. was i now really? was i that bad of a significant other that you would have to bad mouth me to strangers and friends of ours? hmmm.. as fucked up as what you did to me was, i still tell everyone that its hard to not be with you. what is wrong with me, you get over me easier and i'm stuck with the guilt of letting you go? life sucks and sometimes i just wish i would find a rebound. there are plenty of women out there that i see fairly often but i am just not ready yet. how the hell does she do it? its as if she was a machine and she erased me out of her life so quickly and easily. i know that things will end up falling in place but this is just getting hard to deal with. i also hate talking to my dude friends, they just dont help at all. they have shown me the best way to get over this thing is to hook up with someone else. i just think to myself, is that really going to make things better? i think about my life as a single person and its shitty. i don't think i can do the dating thing really. i'm the kinda guy that does better with relationships. although relationships require much more work i feel i can do that better. when i hooked up with her, it was like majik. it was as if we fast forwarded to the part where we say i do before the season changed. its just sad to that we aren't together anymore. she meant the world to me and now i dont think she knows that anymore.

i know what im saying is probably all one sided but i feel like her side is much different. she probaby went through this stage already and i never responded to her as she was going through this rough time. i have been focused on what i thought i needed in my life, which was clarity in my goals outside of having a relationship. as much as she thinks this whole breakup thing was the co-worker deal, its totally not. i liked her and all but my ex was just wrapped up in too much drama. she thinks i need some scandalous shit done back to her because of her actions. whatever, i just wanted out of a relationship with someone that clearly didn't want what i had to offer. i hate life. i'm totally in a quarterlife crisis. she is just.. i don't know... and its just absolutly messing with my head. like she is no longer part of my life but everything that i go through in life reminds me something of her. i need parts of my brain erased and this just erks the shit out of me. AHHHH!!!!

thanksgiving...

this thanksgiving has got to be the saddest thanksgiving i have ever had. first of all i had to work today and it was not pleasant to have to work on a day that should be spent with loved ones. work was expected but knowing i dont have to be there, meaning i could be off and getting paid for it, would have been sweet. so after work i waited for my brother to get off work at 5. he would come back home and we would be off to castro valley for thanksgiving. 5 rolled around and my brother was not answering my moms calls. i was let at home and still at home alone. its hard knowing that at this moment i could be spending this time with some i love. i cant help but beat myself up over leaving her. i prayed this morning and gave god thanks for giving me such a wonderful life. what made my life wonderful was the experience of love. i believe the love is still there but just not working in the way we want it to. i feel as if we are praying and loving each other but with no recognition. i am truly thankful for everything i have given.. love is what i am most thankful for. love from friends and family and love from "you know who"....

sleepless...

there has not been one night where i have had a good nights sleep this past couple months. its insame to be running on such amount of sleep. the reasons i dont get enough sleep is because i either go out and drink my sorrows or it because i just think about her. even when i dont know it, she is there. my life is miserable. i go out and there is nothing. no feeling like being with her. its amazing that i am able to just type right now. im so tired of being tired and i am just disgusted with myself sometimes. i look at myself and i am not the guy i wanted to be. i hav become a monster and i have no clue where i actually went. its hard being alone. i just leave my body and it follows what everyone else does and says it should do. it not being controled by my heart. if it was i would have attempted to mend the broken heart of the real love of my life. but what is it in the back of my mind? its the thought that she is out there with other men messing around and loving it. i hate life... i must attempt to sleep now so i can go on with another pointless day. why am i living? its so sad, i feel as if i have no purpose...

i miss my turon...

dream..

it seems as if i have not been able to dream lately but last night i had one. usually i get 4 to 5 hours and last night i had prolly about 7 hours. before falling asleep all i could think about if how my ex if doing. i miss her o so dearly. in my dream it was me and her, and we were happy just spending time together. we end up having sex and it was just as i remember it. does this mean that our relationship was mainly about the sex? it was like every time we got together we were just messing around. when we first got together nearly 6 years ago, i had no intentions to do such things with this woman. knowing she was such a strong catholic beliver lead me to believe we would not be in such a situation. it was about 2 months we were in the relationship and she grabed my hand and guided it to her warm and waiting crotch. we were watching the lord of the rings and i remember it was like 10 15 minutes into it and she was just wanting it. that movie was hella long so i could not stop because that was exactly what i was after. but i realy liked her and wasn't forward, i was trying to be the gentleman. but wow from that moment we were like rabbits almost. we did a lot of kinky stuff and it was great. then after a while i was just doing it becaue she was feening. my drive diminished as our relationship progressed. don't get me wrong i love it but probably not as much as her. i pleasured her and made sure she enjoyed it, essentially i made sure she came first. and i guess when i continued to do that it became somewhat of a race to make pleasure =). but really i feel =( because i can no longer... hmm.. well yeah only in dreams.

flipping a coin..

i feel as if my life lies in the flip of a coin. chance. i have no clue what to do with this coming month. it is a very important month for my ex and all i can think of is her. its now been about 80 days since i last saw her. i've spoke to her a couple time but in rage or of business matters. my presence to her is dead now. it is too late to get her attention and tell her how i'm feeling. i have made attempts to talk to her friends but i just haven't had the balls to mention how i'm actually feeling. i so badly wanna tell them i mis her and i trully am dying inside. i know i put myself in this position but i am seriously just suffering. its like ive been drowning in guilt. one side of me is just glad i told her how i was feeling and just relived to be free to do as i please. the other side is just dying inside, missing her badly. its like every hour of everyday since i last saw her is a flip of that coin. one minute i'll be hella kuwawa and shit and just down in the dumps for not staying with her. then the next minute i'm relaxed and calm because of the freedom of living my life the way i want to. i guess i could say i was living the same way when i was with her. one minute i was so incredibly happy to be with this beautiful woman of great kindness and love. then i just think about that morning... it ruins my day. being with her and dealing with that thought was managable but it was not going to leave my head. it pretty much traumatized me. when i wasn't with her, my imagination runs wild with thoughts of infidelity and deciet. the mind is so complex and when it comes to love it just gets insanely unbarable. i realized that i was living a life of denile. it was eating at me that i didn't dump her right then and there when it happened. it was just that thing called love that drove me to insanity. i was able to just deal with the fact that she continued to talk to the guy. evene after she fucked him twice, which was twice too many. i was so blind and naive. i was such a doormat, and thought that doing so would fix the relationship. hmmmm... well the coin continues to flip and i'm still going crazy. someone just take that coin away from me!!!

re evaluation time...

this past couple of months have been supposed to be dedicated to re evaluating my feelings for my ex and finding out what i really need and want. if i want a relationship? if i do get into a relationship do i want it with her? its been a lot of just thinking about hooking up lately and i have not been thinking long term. when i try to holler at a girl, the first thing that comes to mind is if i see her in m future. not really how her ass is so fucking nice or her tits are catch my eye. as much as i really want to get back with her, i wanna see what my options out there are. i think matthew perry put it in a good way. i think he said something along the lines of that there are many miss perfects but its a matter of running into them. hmmm.. anyways it way too late to be up right now. insomnia is a bitch..

super funny show...

so one of the things to keep my mind off of my love life is watching tv series on the internet. i was trying to stray away from family guy so i could watch a little more mature programming but i ended up watching the show "its always sunny in philidelphia". wow that show is messed up, but i continue to watch it! hahaha.. anyways this episode has to be the best one so far:

change..

change has come and in the form of our new president elect barack obama. i am very excited and the thought had flew over my head this morning because of the freezing cold weather here. 30's in daly city? wow.. anyways, change is coming..

home...

so i since i moved back home there have been a few things that i am just not used to just yet.

so my family has hella cars. so there are 5 cars and we have a tandem garage with another space in the driveway. that makes 3 spaces for the five cars. one would think since we live in a suburb parking would not be a problem but no, that is completely false. my family has accumulated so much shit that one whole space in our garage is taken up by crap. another space is a car that we used to use but just don't anymore since the transmission gave out. so that make s two spots. so essentially the driveway is a only dedicated spot of ours. even at that though, if someone parks right in front of it, we need to move cars around to get out. oo wait the reason why im up this freaking early is street cleaning. wtf right. this pissed me off. i thought i was supposed to sleep in but no. that is not happening because i was woken up by the freezing cold i had to drive around finding parking!

well anyways, i had a breif dream before being awoken to move my car. for some strange reason i woke up with my phone in my hand but i was slipping in and out of sleep. so in my dream i receive a text from my crush. im like wtf its hella early in the morning. the text read: "i wanna flirt. btw ur hot. heheh.." it was weird but wow. i totally wish that text was real. i wake up and find there were no texts.. hmmm.. anyways i must take a dump right now. good night world once again.

talk about posting later..

so yeah that weekend was a crazy and just so long ago. i feel as if my life is in slow motion when i want it to be in fast forward and vice versa. so that day of the christening was just all weird. well i think i just started to get tired after talking about picking up my sister from japantown, so i think i will pick up from there. so i pick my sister up and we head to the mall. so being totally on the ball, i buy a card for my cousin's kid. being in the rush i was in i hella get one where it looks like i'm a god parent. anyways, i hope my cousin and his lady didn't read that card too in depth and paid attention to the cash. from there we head to starbucks were i thought i was gonna get something that would wake my ass up. being the naturally drug tolerant person i was totally unaffected from my venti black tea with 5 pumps of hazelnut syrup. hmmm. so from there we go to pleasanton to my cousin's place then to my other cousin's place. luckily food was there and i was starving. i see my cousin from NY was doing well and all of us were just catching up with our lives. the drinking began and we just knocked out. it was cool seeing my fam and all but u just felt sort of just lost. the same feeling i get when i know i am missing something. i felt as if my ex was running through my head. she always is. its really taking a toll on me psychologically and i just get better on some days and worse on others. so we eat, we drink, we laugh, we play games and just knock out. nothing all that exciting.

we get up the next morning and just get ready. i was kinda feeling outta place. i felt as if we are all in different stages of our lives. and we just are not like we used to be. we weren't kids anymore. i felt we had a good time but just not as much as we used to. i trully love my cousins to death but it was sadly just kinda whatever to me. so we got ready and headed to the church. of course, with all the churches in the area, we end up in a place that is super familiar to me. it was the church my ex's cousin got married at. it brought back a lot of memories to me. i remember the wedding was on a friday afternoon. we were still in santa cruz and we were all dolled up. i had my lauren suit on and she had that awesome bright green dress that made her glow. she was looking for pretty, it was absoluty beautiful. we took pics and we were so cute. i had a matching tie and everything. so yeah, after class that day, we leave to san ramon and make it to the actual wedding about an hour too late =/. but we aririved nonetheless. we made an effort and just felt kinda brushed off my her fam. whatever though, we knew we tried. so yeah, that church was the same one. as i was sitting in the church waiting until the service started i looked around and saw a couple familiar faces at the families of the other babies. there was this couple i don't know too well but i have been acquainted with them on a couple occasions. these occasions just so happen to be with my ex and her car club. so yeah the chick was like looking at me every 2 minutes. i was feeling a lil uncomfortable but i tried not to let it bother me. she was there along with her man who i have met once or twice i beleive. anyways yeah that brought up more things in my mind that day. the entire time i was at the church i was just thinking in my mind all to myself. i was ver distant with many of the my family because all i could think about was the situation i was in. my mind was bouncing off the walls in that church and i was just glad to have left there. so from there, we headed to the reception and just did the party thing. started off with helping set up the hall. there were these cute cross and communion wafer white chocolate lollipop dealies that had sad something about christenings. i don't remember that all too much because i ate them waiting to eat that awesome catered filipino food. yeah so that sisig was money and the lechon was great. so it got me thinking about christenings and i remembered my mom and dad met at a christening. hmmm. love found at a family function. my mom was invited by a coworker to his son's christening and there was where my dad found my mom and just never stopped loving her. it makes me sad to think i thought i found love. well lemme reword that, love is something that can be found when you least expect it. i did find it, and it is absolutly wonderful. but in the mess that life throws at us, we can lose it. i have not yet found that in the relationship between myself and my ex. i have no words to really say to her. the words that i do have, i don't know if i should tell her just yet. but yes, christenings. it was just a sunday filled with family and loved ones. it was nice to be away from work and see these wonderful people in my life. reality hit me as we left the party. it was study time.

monday i had work but afterwards, i was in that library studying my ass off. after that i headed to my place to sleep in the empty apartment that i miss o so much. im blogging in the discomfort of my cold ass room my dad built last month. well the practical came and went and i was just off to the lirary after that test. it was nonestop studying and packing of little thngs. thursday rolls around, i take my exam and head to the apartment for more cleaning. it was just so exhausting and i was just so ready to just leave the place dirty as hell. anyways, work rolls around and it consumes my weekend. i felt as if i did nothing but work... it was haloween but it was pretty insignificant this year. i drank and forgot some of it. i have just been drinking to help with this depression but it just maked me numb for that moment. hmmm

soo tired though. goodnight world

weekend full of not studying...

so this past weekend was pretty interesting. everything started on thursday.

so this past thursday started with me waking up to go to school. i was not particularly excited about school because our exams are coming up soon. so we went to class and then to lab. this is our last lab right before the practical and it seemed as if everyone had other things in mind for this weekend instead of studying. for example, one of our classmates who sits at our table was all excited for his special weekend with his lady. he was going to take her to monterey or carmel, somewhere over there to propose to her. my carpool buddy was talking about going out drinking this weekend. and me, well i'll give play by play action details as i write. lab was just a drag. to simply put it, we were just all extremly flustered at the idea of our practical because of our social lives. we really should of had a second look at the cadaver again and another look at the bones and gi tract and blah blah but we were all ready for the weekend. anyways, we leave lab and my plans were all over the place for me. so what i did when i got home was watch TV for like 5 hours. it was a complete waste of time and i loved every minute of it. i was on vacation and stressed out so i sat on my couch and chilled. after that i packed for an hour and got a call from my homeboy about going out that night. so we first hopped to a bar in the richmond district. it was a n ice little tiki bar spot where we met up for this one dude's birthday. it was cool, the place waqs packed and the folks were nice. i was just super shy and not really talked to anyone. i saw a familiar face and just posted next to him. he was talking about his great strides in confidence from going to sf state. i was mildly amused but i entertained his explanations. anyways from there, we headed to this lounge a couple blocks away from this one club loft 11. it was nice it was an anniversery party for my homey's girl. omg.. there were hella fine chickas!! but with that came hardcore as dancers.. like hip hop dancers, so as to not be hella embarassed me and my homeboys danced in our own lil corner staring at this hot women. my friend best explained it like going into a store and not being able to buy anything. this women were wow.. ok stopping now. so at this party, my homeboy's girl is smashed and she is esorted out, leaving me driving.. wackness. so we leave shortly afterwards, meeting up for some latenight flicks and dining at the video cafe on geary street. i must say fairly good food but alright selection of the movie they were showing at the time. after that fun night we all go our separate watys home.

friday morning, my plan was to leave my house and pick up my grandma to help me pack my place up at 9. i wake up at 1030. everything delayed like 2 hours but whatever, i got a lot of packing done that say. i pretty much did this packing business til like 8pm that day. i dont even remember eating that day at all. anyways my homeboy calls me up again to kick it at a sushi place near his house and i was under the impression that we were gonna go out that night again too. but as things usually go, we just bounced back to our places after dinner. being depressed as i have been i stop by the 7/11 on the way to the apartment and picked up a 40 and a bag of chips. so wack..

saturday rolls around, i had to actually move all my stuff, well majority of my things to my new room. i woke up at like 9 hung over a lil, and continued to pack. as i was packing i was going through me and my ex's stuff. i was getting emotional and just balling for like 20 minutes. i was so hung up on just little things like pictures, picture frames, keys, a hairbrush, valentines day cards, etc.. i was just ballin. about an hour later my folks and my brother arrive. we pack up my couch, the dining table, my desk with my turntables, the chairs, the dresser and a bunch of other little things. after all that packing up, me and my bro get some burgermeister in westlake. i had the california burger and it was absolutly awesome, like orgasmically awesome. i had that sandwich with onion rings and a pint of stella. as i was there i found out that ther have 2 dollar pints all day everythursay and 2 dollar glasses of wine on wednesday, all day!! isn't that great! hahaha.. so that i will keep in mind and have some get togethers there in the future. so after that i head to haight st for some shopping with a friend. there is a bunch of coutureish types of clothes at this sample sale at milk bar and lounge. it was pretty cool, i bought 5 t-shirts and a scarf and my friend bought a jacket. one of the t-shirts i got was for my cousin, who lives in queens, NY, was of a silohuette of suge knight and that had a caption at the bottom that reads "have a suge night" in glow in the dark screen. after shopping i head to japan town i pick up my sister, do a couple errands, and head to dublin pleasanton to my cousin's. we ordered pizza, we drank beer and took shots of patron and played videogames and cards and just whatever.

today was just a day of chillin, went to a baptism and the reception. and more drinking and now im tired.. phew..

yeah no studying.. so with that said i will studying and post later.

that dream was hella messed up..

so i had this dream, hella weird. in the dream, i was still with my ex and we were together at my grand parents old place in SF. one funny thing was my ex's dad did not look like her dad. he looked like my neighbor. hecka weird, he's like south american looking. i figured he was south american because him and his wife speak spanish and he was a grey-haired ponytail, one that antonio banderas would have if he were any older. anyways, to continue on with the story. i head to bed in my granparents room, and being the comfortable guy i was, i was falling asleep and my ex's dad jumps in bed to sleep as well. following that an asian chick, some chick i may or may not have seen before walks in the room. she was roaming around the house and i was eyeing her a couple times. so she walked in and she is in her underwear or a bikini. and she starts seducing her, talking dirty and pulling her bottoms to the side showing me her pussy. as that happens i hear my ex, but my gf around the corner coming to the room. next thing i know, the asian chick is next to me in the bed grabbing my hand and sticking it in her crocth. i wanted to begin to pleasure her, but my ex comes in my life. this is sorta how i feel with my real life. i am just not ready to get with other women just yet. although i have this strong sexual tension, i don't know if its the right time just yet. =/

kinda lame...

well i just had one of the longest days ever today. let me begin with the events that had taken place tuesday night. so i had my speech class til about 915 or so. as soon as i get out of the dead zone that is my classroom, i get a text from my homeboy. he says that a bunch of folks are heading to our "cheers" bar. it was another one of our homie birthday. i really am not trying to be ghetto or anything so yeah, their my boys. anyways to continue with the story it was my boy, o dizzle's 25th birthday! i came a little later that other folks but we hav fun nonetheless. it started off with the small talk over beers, light beers to be exact. we're all single now and we're just looking out for the ladies. you know trying to be eye candy or whatever. hahah.. anyways we dominated the jukebow prolly playing 20bucks worth of songs. we played everthing from TLC to ah-ha to george michael to journey to mary j blige. we were jamming. me not being as drunk as everyone else, was not playing the role of lead singer in this boy bad. ahhah.. good times. anyways we had a good time and we all parted ways to our places. i get home and i sleep. this time i was just determined to sleep well and i insisted i have a dream. so i fall asleep and i do dream. it was short, but i do remember one thing. i was about her, my ex. it was me and her having sex and it was as if she could not enjoy it. what does that mean? everytime we did mess around she was all about it. i, on the other hand, was not always in the mood but would pleasure her and give her that fix. i guess i just don't have that strong of a sexdrive but i do enjoy it when i get to do it. anyways it was as if we switched places and it was kind of an awakening. i was incredible disappointed when i woke from the dream. was that what she was feeling everytime i felt that way? i wonder, hmmm... but yeah the was kinda lame and i just dwelled on that a little today. i should have done a lot in the relationship and i was just so cold for the last couple months of our relationship. i feel it was my fault for making her feel the way she feels. even though i feel i made mistakes, my feelings still haven't changed about her. i still love her, but i have no intention to get back into the relationship. whats killing me inside is the fact that she is prolly thinking i'm happy. i'm not, i'm exactly the opposite. i may be getting what needs to get done but i am certainly not happy. is happiness what i need though? maybe not right now..

lonely

so i'm counting. its been 54 days since i last seen her. and it's been so hard. she doesn't even know that i miss her. that fact just kills me. i want to tell her how i feel, but things are just going to be exactly the same. i still don't feel like i'm ready to talk to her because i don't think i'm ready to get back with her. i'm not saying that is exactly what is going to happen but i just feel like thats a possibility, that i can't handle. but i'm just lonely nowadays. i sit at home all alone, watching tv. i try to make it out of this place but i end up just missing her. i talk to other girls when i'm out, but they don't mean as much as she did to me. i wake up imagining her next to me. its a sad and hard decision i have made and its truly killing me. i wish that she never did what she did. i know how great of a person she is. i know she loves me. i know she's dying without me. and so am i...

postpone that last post...

so i feel like there is a lot of thinking to do about my ex. i really left her hanging with the whole break up. i never told her how i actually feel. all i told her is how i could not be in the relationship. how i could not move on with the relationship knowing what she had done. she sees what had happened was a technicality because we were not together. i guess it was wrong of me to try and save the relationship. but i was insanely in love and wanted her to know that i was willing to forgive her for all of that. although i do forgive her, i just cannot forget it. i still love her with everything that has happened, even though we are not together. i still think about her constantly, pray for her everyday, its like she is still apart of my life. she doesn't know that i still have these feelings because she is assuming that my silence, my decision to not speak, see, have anything to do with her means that i don't care or love her. but in reality, i just need this time to make sure i know what i really want, which is to be with her. this time apart can be real painful because when we broke up last summer, i could not let her be. all summer long she was pretty much with someone else but i continued to court her. but as i was courting her, she was still seeing the other guy. she pretty much assured me that she wanted to be with me. but i was absolutely confused out of my mind when she slept with someone else, had sex with him, whatever you want to call it. it was completely contradictory. as bad as it sounds, i just tried to forget about it. i tried to live with me forgiving her for this. i was convinced that it was ok because we were technically not together. then it happened again. but she hid that fact from me for a couple of months. again i forgive her. what was i thinking. this guy was absolutely dangerous to our relationship. but i trusted her, i knew what she wanted, and it was me. but my feelings still changed alot with our constant fighting. it was like we fought every couple weeks. and i would bring up the same shit. although i trust her and everything, i was paranoid with her internet relationships and text messaging and everything. so my feelings just changed, drastically, over a period of a couple of months from this summer. i just never iniated conversation, made plans for her and i, nothing. i was a deadbeat boyfriend. i was the guy that just followed her with whatever she wanted to do. i wasn't romantic, nothing. i think it just came out that way naturally, like i just didn't feel we were clicking anymore. i think i was just tired of the relationship, the fighting, the incident from that dreaded labor day weekend, and much more. but as much as i don't want to be in a relationship with her right now, i still care. i still love her. i want her to know i too am dying inside knowing i'm not with her. this whole break up thing was really hard for me too. she just sees me as having a jolly old time being without her. its not freaking easy i'll say. i just look like a dick for not speaking with her. but aside from all that i am quite content with my decision to say what i said to her and the decisions i have made following that. i remember my friend asking me this week how i was feeling. she knows the situation and i told her, "i'm feeling somewhere in between terrible and happy." i'm glad that i said what i said but i'm terrible without her. i'm terrible for sticking with this relationship, thinking that everything is ok and just not telling her the truth about how i was really feeling at that moment. but now that we are separated i do miss her but can't think about being in a relationship with her right now. i care about her so much that i can see a possibility of us getting back together but thats just my feeling. she may feel different. i care and love her so much that i don't mind that she needs anything from me, that she wants to call me, that she wants to talk about anything, i just feel terrible that she feels like i don't love or care for her. i think she wouldn't feel that way if she had more support. but i see that she really has none. i want to be that support, but it would be so contradictory of me. on top of that, i really don't have anything to say to her. hence my silence or just lack of attention for her the last couple months of our relationship. its hard not to think about her but its alot easier to just worry about myself. so yeah, i guess i'm still not ready to speak with her. i just have nothing to say still. if there was something i wanted her to know it would be:

i love her but not enough to get back together. i want to see what else is out there because all i know about women is her. i want to be sure. i thought i was sure with her, but my emotions lead me away from that. what ultimitely pushed me to tell her my feelings, my decison to break up, was lack of love i was giving her. she deserves the best. i had given that to her. but my love just diminished over the course of the year with the fighting and everything, including that incident. i'm taking this time to just do my thing. i do think we could be together again but not right now. i really want her to know that she is a beautiful person with a lot of passion. i want her to know that i love her and care for her. i just want her to know she is loved and will always be loved.

what goes through my mind once once or twice a week is the song "whisper" by ernie halter. sometimes i just want her to know i do want to be with her. but i know i'm not ready..

black and blue mixtape...

so to take my mind off the whole bidness with my ex, i made a mixtape. it is really helping alot with my feelings, its mainly a lot of songs about the art of courting. on top of that, there are a couple songs, in particular the first and last songs, that represent confusion and conflict about what to do in the situation.

the first track is kanye west's new jam love lockdown. this song really speaks to me because its so complex, the feeling that is. and these feelings are just a reflection on my own about my ex. the songs begins with, "i'm not loving you the way i wanted to". and that is exactly how the relationship was turning into. my feelings changed so much after that dreaded day. so much more of the song was true in my life like, "what i had to do had to run from you","i met no one new","but i've got love for you but i'm not loving you".. an so much more..

i will continue this mxtape analysis.. so hungry and must get ready for work!

she also said she likes my new google pic...

i'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears...

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stuck...

i feel hella stuck. my life is on pause. once i broke up with my girl, my love life has essentially been pretty shady. its like i meet these girls and get nothing out of it.. hmmm

tba

whisper..

hella feeling the song "whisper"by ernie halter. the lyrics are how i feel when im all alone. its basically about how i feel like i made a mistake with my break up. and how i wish god can whipser in her ear, i want her back. my life is in such a see saw. at one point i can be at a high then at a low and im essentially stationary when im in this up and down motion. i need to go places, meet people and get oof this damn see saw. i want to see the world, live life with no regrets. when i think about this song i just feel like im gonna stay on this see saw. but i know i will got over this. i have a direction and just need a little push and i think i have been getting that push from all my friends and family. i love them for it and and truly thankful i have them in my life. don't get me wrong, i love my ex to death but i just need some me time.. and maybe a little me and someone else new time =/

trouble...

it was saturday night, and i went out to the club. temple in SF to be exact to celebrate my cousin's birthday. she was having an awesome time when i arrived, her and her man. she had bottle service and when we were leaving, she headed to the atm for some cash, as she attempted to get cash out, some chick behind her was hella complaining. apparently, this chick, swung at my ate and fell. as a result of the fall, her boyfriend punched my cousin's man. he bgan to bleed and that's all i know. i stayed with my cousin and her man the rest of the night to settle things out. my cousin and her boyfriend were about to her charged battery and was to spend some time in jail. hella dumb for nothing. luckily our cousin in law has been a cop for ages and was able to help us out. i called him us and he let his buddy know the deal. so we were able to go home that night instead of a jail cell. wtf right? her birthday didnt end the way she wanted to but at least she was able to go home. so the whole night my ate was trying to hook me up with her friend kelly and it was her birthday too. damn! she was so damn cute, i wanted to tell her that too. i felt hella bad she had to pay on her birthday!! i was like girl, why you paying?!?! anyways she has my coat and my dumbass told m cousin she has it. i look like a dick asking for it back now. wow. super dumb. anyways thats my night, and i don't have to sleep in my car to get ready for work this time.. goodnight world..

i hope with the laws of attraction, a fine women comes my way...

friday night...

so as you can all see its friday night.. and what am i doing? staying in, drunk.. im so depressed and sad. im alone, nobody to kick it with, talk to or anything. all i have is this blog and the internet. wtf is wrong with me. i really shouldn't have drank but whatever. it triggers something in me to flow my emotions out much much better than when im sober. i read my blog when im sober, and im like,"wow, j-----, you express yourself very well when ur drunk!" hahaha.. anyways yeah this week has been a crazy one.. let's see, monday was filled with focus because tuesday was my first lecture exam which i hope i did well in. tuesday was cool. i took the test, no real suprise, it was difficult but fair. then i finished up my paper for speech and went to speech. after that i got a call from my homies to kick it at bj's. happy hour!! half off mini pizzas and we had beer! smashed is all i gotta say about that happy "hour". afterwards we went to mty place and drank more. wow, on a tuesday night. anyways it was all good because prior to walking into bj's, i called in sick to work! =) because of journey on wednesday night! so awesome. arnel pineda is my hero! he is such a great singer, better than steve perry! hahaha.. anyways yeah that night was my cousins bday. swung by her place, headed to sushi for dinner, then journey!! it was a good night. i left the concert drunk as hell. i ended up texting up my ex's friend, also my friend but not really. i just told her that i was drunk and that i still cared for my ex... bad idea, yes, but whatever. its done. thursday was unproductive as shit, i went to class, lab, oo had cadaver preveiw, then headed home for an unproductive ass time on my couch. napping, watching tv, blah blah bs bs.. anyways i woke at like 8 and got a call from my homie. went to his place and kicked it, drank, blah blah... friday, work, dinner, drank and here i am drunk.. a significant part of this week was probably my dream i had last night. i was drunk, in the rear of my old car. it was a crx, hatchback with a chick i went to grade school then college with (fine as hell might i add) and i just chillin as my homeboy drove us home. as he was driving us home, ended up feeling up on her leg. i made my way up to her wet pussy, i was hella horny and so was she. as i started to grope her warm crotch, she took her panties off, a red thong. i started to use my tongue starting from in the inner thighs working my way up to her wet pussy. my finger was exploring her and she was just enjoying my presence. my tongue moved up to her clit and she was just quivering with pleasure. her smooth brown skin was like an ocean of chocolate and i wanted eat it all up. she tasted so good. but enough about that i should knock out and hope she's there again! haha.. goodngiht world.

although i'm alone, i still stand...

if...

it is such a powerful word. there are a million things flowing through my mind when i think of this word. at this point in my life, "if" is giving me sleepless nights, pounding heartaches, and just anxiousness. its like it pushes me to do something but i just dont follow through. my life has for real been a roller coaster of emotions the past month. at about 8pm, i received a call from my former significant. i don't answer, i panic, my heart pounds, what would i say? voicemail. i call it. she's gotten into a car accident. my heart races even more. i'm at work, i put calling her back for like 10 minutes. i think about what i would say. in her voicemail she just askes if she should take aleve or advil. what a question to ask me. she could have easily asked her mom, or someone more qualified. she probably knows what to get but she calls me to inform me of her accident. in my mind in thinking,"its been exactly 4 weeks since i broke the news to her, what a way to mark the day you changed your life and hers.." im in this surreal dream thinking of how much an ass i look like. i love this girl, o so much. im so torn between concern for how she's feeling physically and how she is feeling emotionally. secretly i have been looking at her blog posts and away messages. i had a feeling she did get into one, but was afraid of what i was getting into. i feel as if prayer is the only way i can reach her. it seems as if she had turned to god for support because none of her or our friends have given that to her. i really wanna talk to her, ask her how's she's feeling, if she's eaten, how her class is doing, etc..

if...

if those unfortunate events last summer never happened..
would i have changed..
would she have changed..
would the world be the same..
if i never spoke what i felt about our relationship..
what would become of our relationship..
so many "if"s....

in a drunken stuper...

so im drunk.. not like i wanna trhow up drunk but drunk, and i wanna talk ur ears off drunk. i am so drunk i wanna start another blog and email. one that i can share and not be ashamed of for all the moronic things i'd done. we'll i think i will start a new one just for a blog i dont need to hide.

...

funny how i feel the same way...

Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
Im in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, til its over love
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin no no no, no no
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but cant escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else dont have to know


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose


Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I cant keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I cant keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when Im on my own
Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone
How many times did it take til I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to go
No more wastein time, we cant wait for life
which is wastin time, wheres the finish line


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose


Im not lovin you, the way i wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
No I said im through, but got love for you
But im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin, keep the lovin goin
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
Am I into you, baby im confused
You choose, you choose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
Way I got to go, I dont need you
I been on this road, too many times before
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose

recurring dream..

so i left my place hella early this morning so i would have good parking at work. i get to work a little more that an hour before i start and i take a little nap before i go in. pretty standard morning for me except i was actually able to fall into a deep enough sleep to dream. it was pretty much the same dream that i have been having the past couple weeks. this time i encountered my ex in the bedroom and she was no different from how anytime i've seen her. in all honesty she is not like a mega super hottie, but she is a beautiful woman. i was immediatly attracted to her in my dream. i didn't focus on her breasts or butt, but more her face. she said, "please forgive me, i love you and you know it. i know you love me too. why can't we be together?" in my dream i said how i actually feel about her and that is that i feel like i made a mistake and i did want her back. but i know that i still can't get over what happened and i just need to forget her. anyways to continue with the dream, we end up being all lovey dovey and just go about our day like nothing the past couple weeks had happened. among the regular things we would do when we had time together was sex. as the day progress so did my horniness. the last time she came over my place, we had sex and i was just whatever about it. i feel hella bad about how i broke up with her. i just feel like i broke her heart and it's all i think about. so throughout the dream it was a major love session. all i did while we were doing it was look at her beautiful face. =/ then i returned to reality as my alarm on my cell phone rung. i had a hella hard erection and i was just sad that it was all a dream. hmm.. i gotta get through this i did this to myself and to her. what do i do?

longest day ever

i really cant sleep. i feel like its been the longest day ever and that all my old friends can't speak to me anymore. its like i get this vibe that they are all on her, my ex's side, and it just makes me fell more lonely. in reality, i know that they aren't taking sides, but i just beat myself up on stuff like that all the time. my conscience is not clear and my loneliness is off the walls. when i'm with freinds, i feel like i'm invincible, i can do anything. when i'm alone, its like i can't find anybody to kick it with or text up or just have a conversation with. i always had her to hit me up =(. i know it sounds hella bad coming from me, but i took what she gave me for granted. i gave her as much as i could for as long as i could. when all along, she was giving me something that i loved in my life. i am such an a-hole for breaking her heart though. i know she will never forgive me for that. but i will never forget what happened last year. its a lose lose situation, for the both of us. i still care for her, i still pray for her every morning. there hasn't been one day that has past that i did not think of her at least once. she especially comes into my mind when im all alone. i call folks to kick it with but they are either busy or with their significant other. i'm really struggling with this whole single business. sometimes i just wanna get a rebound chick to make the pain go away. but i know that it will just end with unhappiness. i have not healed from the pain of this break. i just cant look at my self in the mirror and see the same person. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but its just so strange. i really wanted to kick it tonight, like go clubbing, hit on some girls that i shouldn't really care about and follow through with my "oat sowing" phase of life. i hella just feel vulnerable to most anything. its like i wanna be another person, one that is not me. hmmm well im beat now. goodngiht world...

sunday morning..

so its sunday morning, almost 4 am and i'm still up. can't sleep, just being lonely and thinking of how i would feel if i didn't tell her how i felt. i constantly think about how i really messed up by saying that. its done and over with now though. i just have to deal with it and no speak with her. it hurts so bad though...

i know that after tonight...

im hella feeling the justin nozuka song "after tonight". i sometimes, actually all the time wish i could sing. like be good enough to join a boy band, or a choir or something significant.

well in reality i really don't know what's going to happen after tonight. all i know is that i am drunk and just don't wanna neglect my blog. i have neglected many things, including other blogs, and i hope to keep up with this one. i went out with my home boys tonight and basically there were like no beezies!! wtf, right!?!? well i got over it pretty quick and just drank myself to entertain. then i sobered up =/. anyways i just enjoyed the shameless attempt of my intriguing friends to holler at ladies. one of then got asked if he was gay! hahah.. ok and i digress. hahaha.. anyways yeah these girls were cute but not in my category. they were dancers in a hip hop group and out of my element. so i just laid back and watched as they shook their asses at each other and danced the night away. my the way i should mention, i am totally not a boob guy, but the bartender had a sweet pair of titties =) hahaha.. ok. getting pretty graphic, but whatever. so yeah tonight was alright and not THE night but was able to spend time with my homeboys and talk smack about each other. but i blog tonight to just say that i don't really know what's gonna happen after tonight. there is one thing for certain, and that is that i will reamin single =/

goodnight world, and to the one i want to hear this, i miss you and love you =).

(i think i am passing denile and entering reality, she is no longer in my life.)

waking up in denile...

the best way to describe my feelings right now..

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" - John Mayer

dreams..

the past couple nights i have been having some crazy dreams. wednesday night i think, i remember having a dream about sleeping with my classmate/ co-worker. nothing sexual or too inappropriate but just going to bed, spooning. when i was with my lady, i hella thought about how it was to be single. with that feeling i had crazy thoughts about hooking up with so many different people including her. i started talking to her, like just friendly talk, more when she and her man had some problems. but she ended up back with her man and we're now just classmates and co-workers. so i dunno what this all means but i think i have been hella lonely lately, last night i had a dream and it included me and her, my former significant other. i woke up so sad, hurt. i woke up to the reality of the situation. in my dream we were together nothing wrong with our relationship. we were both happy just chillin on the couch with her in my arms. at this point i am now crying typing this down. it makes me so sad to just get back to reality.

feeling..

alone..

this feeling i have right now is just so foreign to me. i cant really describe it. in my life, like many others, there is time you are at work, time not at work, and this semester, time in school. my life with her was simply work then her. my life now is work then school. school is awesome and all but isn't really filling in for her. being in a relationship is much more satisfying that having to study. hmmm... is that true though?

to be continued..

cant sleep..

so stupid of me to be interested in things other than my relationship problems. so i have an interest in finding clever quotes in songs. one of them is abbreviated as fbgm. i put that on my googletalk away message. it means fuck bitches, get money. so apparently my ex seems to think im talking about her. wonderful. i say forget that. i'm so over that drama bullshit. i'm totally an ass and totally meant that about my ex. of course. i have no class. please tell me that i want to tell the women that i loved for almost 6 years of life, fuck her, i would rather work and get paid. of course.

half empty day turned out half full..

saturday..

it's all happened so fast. a little more than a week ago, we were chillin in my aunties flower shop in HI. today we stand worlds apart.

i began my day with a lot of emptiness. i woke up missing her. but why? i did this. i knew it had to be done. i was not giving what she deserves. she is an awesome person. but i was traumatized by her actions of last summer. and i can not let that go.

so today i started to take her pictures down, and grabbing the stuffed animals she has given me. it was quite sad but i held back my feelings. when we were together she made me feel like the world was empty and it was just me and her occupying it. but i have to put them away because i would just be in denile. i am not with her any more and it would give me false feelings.

i needed to get my mind off this stupid break up so i went to the library at work and just studied. it helped a little and i did a lot of studying. what has been keeping my mind off of her is my awesome friend, we'll call her E. so with E i have been hella hella feeling her. she is just so freaking awesome. we have a pretty cool connection and we just talk about whatevers. its so comforting to just have a friend around when this kinda stuff comes along. i was that same person for her last year when she broke up with her man. =/ i am just being careful around her because i care about her and don't wanna step over the line if you know what i mean. i dont wanna put myself in a position that would make our relationship awkward or anything. so with her around i feel a little fulfilled. her text messages make me laugh and we just have fun with our innocent flirting and our constant support for each other. she has been a friend through and through. with all the breaking up and that me and my ex has gone through, she was there to say she would be there. being the stupid nice guy i am, i had stayed in the relationship too long giving false hope and making myself unhappy. it is truly hard to move on with such a long term relationship. with E as a great friend, i think i can get over this sooner than i expect it. parts of me wants to go and hook up with hella random ass folks and part of me just wants to tell E how i feel. what do i do? i have no answer but what i do know is that i am going to continue to be an awesome friend to her. and hope she finds a great guy, when she wants to have one that is. that great could be me. can it? hmmm.. im not cocky at all, just hopeful.. i know im not perfect and know what i can offer. just greatness varies person to person. and i hope what i offer is great, to anyone i give to...

so yeah, this day was alright.. thanks E.

beginnings..

yesterday i broke up with my girlfriend of almost 6 years.. how do i feel? i feel like crap. there is so much that has happened but yesterday i finally said what i needed to say.

we first met a couple months before college in an outreach program. as i was nodding off, there was a girl talking to me. we started chatting it up and i kinda felt something for her. i was wanting to get to know her more, but once i let my friends with me at the program know, they told me she was annoying. me being a follower listened and didn't speak to her anymore. we then met again at a chemistry placement test for college. she approached me and i kinda shunned her away. =( again i was being an ass. finally, college rolled around and we coincidently became neighbors. when i was coming into college i was getting over this one other girl who sent me mixed signals in the summer. so like what most college kids did, i drank my sorrows away. i drank and drank and would sometime end up in her room talking her ear off. other than drinking, i participated in other extracurricular activities. i was really involved in a community of students who were passionate about their culture. there were many aspects including singing, dancing, writing, and even acting. in getting involved with that, i saw that she was also in so many of these activities. so we would leave to events with each other and started to get to know each other. on top of these events, we also went to some classes together. there was this one showing of a film and when were sitting next to each other. she was playing a game with me with our hands which lead to us holding each others hands. it was a feeling i think neither of us have ever felt before. at that moment, it was as if we could never wipe our smiles off our faces. we spent so much time with each other from that point on until about yesterday. from coordinating a dance troupe, to charing and apartment, to visiting other countries, we have invested so much in each other. we have most definitely had our differences and it has just lead to disappointment.

there were many points on my part that have just devastated her. to name a few: going out drinking knowing she is going to take care of me and she has a final the following day, leaving her out of a las vegas trip with co-workers (i've been telling her that they (mainly girls) have been flirting with me), breaking the promise of moving out with each other after graduation. so you get the point, i did hella stupid stuff. but after all this, she still wants to be with me, until last summer.

so last year, late may, she no longer wants to put up with my crap and we break up. what happens now you ask? well, being the internet whore she is, she gets closer to this one guy she meets on craigslist. now she tells me that she has been speaking with him since about october, while we were still together. she would talk to him about just anything that i didn't. she got to know him so well that once we broke up, she started "kinda seeing" him. mind you, following us breaking up, i hung around. i mean really hung around. i was there just as often or even more than when we were together. my commute to her was not an easy trek either. so one day when i was over i stumbled over on her computer trying to help her set up her new phone, a blackberry. so in doing that, a message popped up on her google chat. i asked her that was and she told me she was "kinda seeing" him. a feeling of disgust and fear ran up and down my body. all along i thought we were trying to work things out but she thought different. from that point on, my life has been hell. pure hell i tell you. the reason she got the blackberry was so she can be in contact with him better. they would message each other all the time, even when she was with me. so i moved forward with my plan to win her back. she helped with setting up my birthday which i was really appreciative of an thought that we were getting closer to getting back together. before my birthday she even told me that she was not gonna speak to that guy anymore. i had so much faith in her statement that i even drop her off to go see him. wtf! ur prolly thinking. but i trusted her, and we moved forward. the birthday past and it was pretty good one. but as much as i thought it was going good it was only gonna get worse. two day following my birthday, i text her all day and no reply. then she gets back at me and tells me that she had been with him all day long. i was thinking to myself, j! what the hell!! you are such a stupid!! so from that point i thought to myself i should of given up and try to get out there and see other people. but what did i do, i stuck with my plan of continuing to win her back. this whole time we were still sexually active with each other and it just was comforting to be with her than alone. but being the snoop i am, i looked in her email and chat logs. she was messing around with him too. as disgusted as i was i hid my feelings and had my eye on the prize. from talking to all my friends and family, i thought to myself that i needed to give this up because it was killing me. i wanted to completely cut off our communication because i was killing me knowing that she was with someone else. so at that point i took a trip to NY to get my mind off things and saw some folks and had an alright time. but what does she do? well even though we agreed to no communicate with each other she continued to contact me and she told me she was gonna go to HI. immediately i had a feeling she was gonna be there with the guy. she told me earlier that she was thinking about going to HI with him and not with me somewhere else. so her texting me and sending pix messaged on her phone of HI was not a good time for me. but her presence in messaging me, i accepted because i missed her. so i was killing myself softly. she returns and time passes by and she says she is ready to get back together. so we do our thang and although we were not together, i got the feeling that she did want us to be together. so as i was "courting" her, she continued to talk to the guy kinda. i didn't think much of it until labor day weekend last year. i slept over and when we woke up, she left to the bathroom. what did i do? go into her phone. bad idea. so the night before she said she was gonna see him for the last time. (yeah, right!!) so i was curious what they would talk about and i killed myself that day by doing that. so she slept with him the night before myself. in the bed me and her bought.. i was just devastated. i will have never forget that day. never ever. i was so blind and stupid. i let it go. we were not together and i forgave her because i wanted to be with her. wrong idea j!! you just made yourself live with the fact that your girlfriend slept with another man when you were trying to get back together. so that day we talked it out and tried to make it work, our relationship. she continued to talk to him. i tried not to let that bother me but then she says that she wanted to take some time for herself, 6 months to be exact. to be celibate and not be in a relationship. but that was total bs. after 3 days she comes to me and wanted to mess around. and guess who else she messed around with. what a slut!! but i know how good of a person she was so i gave her a chance. months pass, she stops talking to him. we go to the asia. we do so much together. but that event that happened labor day weekend never left my mind. it made me think to myself, i asked myself just about everyday since we got back together that labor day weekend if i was making the right choice. do i want to be in this relationship? then i finally got the feeling to tell her, that i want to see what else is out there. and now thats were i stand in life.

single...