longest day ever

i really cant sleep. i feel like its been the longest day ever and that all my old friends can't speak to me anymore. its like i get this vibe that they are all on her, my ex's side, and it just makes me fell more lonely. in reality, i know that they aren't taking sides, but i just beat myself up on stuff like that all the time. my conscience is not clear and my loneliness is off the walls. when i'm with freinds, i feel like i'm invincible, i can do anything. when i'm alone, its like i can't find anybody to kick it with or text up or just have a conversation with. i always had her to hit me up =(. i know it sounds hella bad coming from me, but i took what she gave me for granted. i gave her as much as i could for as long as i could. when all along, she was giving me something that i loved in my life. i am such an a-hole for breaking her heart though. i know she will never forgive me for that. but i will never forget what happened last year. its a lose lose situation, for the both of us. i still care for her, i still pray for her every morning. there hasn't been one day that has past that i did not think of her at least once. she especially comes into my mind when im all alone. i call folks to kick it with but they are either busy or with their significant other. i'm really struggling with this whole single business. sometimes i just wanna get a rebound chick to make the pain go away. but i know that it will just end with unhappiness. i have not healed from the pain of this break. i just cant look at my self in the mirror and see the same person. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but its just so strange. i really wanted to kick it tonight, like go clubbing, hit on some girls that i shouldn't really care about and follow through with my "oat sowing" phase of life. i hella just feel vulnerable to most anything. its like i wanna be another person, one that is not me. hmmm well im beat now. goodngiht world...