if...

it is such a powerful word. there are a million things flowing through my mind when i think of this word. at this point in my life, "if" is giving me sleepless nights, pounding heartaches, and just anxiousness. its like it pushes me to do something but i just dont follow through. my life has for real been a roller coaster of emotions the past month. at about 8pm, i received a call from my former significant. i don't answer, i panic, my heart pounds, what would i say? voicemail. i call it. she's gotten into a car accident. my heart races even more. i'm at work, i put calling her back for like 10 minutes. i think about what i would say. in her voicemail she just askes if she should take aleve or advil. what a question to ask me. she could have easily asked her mom, or someone more qualified. she probably knows what to get but she calls me to inform me of her accident. in my mind in thinking,"its been exactly 4 weeks since i broke the news to her, what a way to mark the day you changed your life and hers.." im in this surreal dream thinking of how much an ass i look like. i love this girl, o so much. im so torn between concern for how she's feeling physically and how she is feeling emotionally. secretly i have been looking at her blog posts and away messages. i had a feeling she did get into one, but was afraid of what i was getting into. i feel as if prayer is the only way i can reach her. it seems as if she had turned to god for support because none of her or our friends have given that to her. i really wanna talk to her, ask her how's she's feeling, if she's eaten, how her class is doing, etc..

if...

if those unfortunate events last summer never happened..
would i have changed..
would she have changed..
would the world be the same..
if i never spoke what i felt about our relationship..
what would become of our relationship..
so many "if"s....