loveless...

It has really been a hard past couple months. You know when people say to you, “Yeah, the first time is always hard.” Yeah, its freaking hard. It was reiterated in pretty much all the movies that I have seen the past couple of days.

In the 40 year old virgin, that one coworker was not over his girlfriend and it was 2 whole years from the time he broke up with her. It makes me think, is that going to happen to me? Am I going to weep over her for the next couple years of my life?

Or is it going to sound a lot like the ending of 2 days in Paris, is she going to fade out of my life?

This movie 2 days in Paris really gave me perspective on things in my life. I really thought about the part where they say to each other that they don’t know each other. I was with that women for 6 years of my life. Did I know her?

Sadly I don’t think I did get to know her. What happened at the leg of our relationship flipped my view of how she was. She was not the type of person to do those things to me. She was not her at all. She tried and tried to be was she was in our “honeymoon” phase. But something happened. I still don’t know what it is, but it really messed up our relationship. In that “honeymoon” phase she was herself. She didn’t hold back. She was in control of what she wanted out of a relationship with me and I was happy being with her. Me personally, I was happy as well but I think the best way to describe my mindset was “ignorance is bliss”. Simply I did not know what I wanted in my life. I found purpose in being with her. She gave me purpose. She was my everything and only thing. I think that became my problem and I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. Til this day, I still don’t know who I am. I have progressed though. I am not saying I’m happy that I am progressing in this light, but I guess that what life has called for me. Anyways im super stuffed and hella want to sleep. I got work early so I’ll try to write more another night. Good night world, I love you…