i do it to myself...

i am seriously killing myself slowly with these obsession to know what is going on im her life. why do i keep her on my buddy list on my ichat? i dunno to make yourself feel terrible for what you did to her?! face it justin she doesn't love you any more. she has moved on and wants a life with another cute boy that can talk her ear off. i never could do that. i was just the cute guy that gave her the world but with not much to say. what i did have to say was not as significant to her though. she didn't appreciate my incompetant conversation on cartoons and stupid shit. she wanted sophisticated, complex, deep conversation. with the mind that i have, i could never amount to the type of person that she wants. ever. she is so needy. when we were together, she would literally tell me to entertain her! so i tried my best and she was obviously bored out of her mind with me. thats why she looked to other means of finding that fix. face it, she needs other people in her life. as much as she says that she is an independent woman, she is someone that requires lots of attention. i gave as much as i could to her. yet with all i gave was not enough. i would travel to her side of the bay multiple times a week to see her, i would pick her sister up from school when all her family members were busy, i would help her family with their church events, i would fall asleep for hours in my car waiting for her to open her door at her house so i dont wake her family up, i sacrificed so much. why does this hurt so much? i badly want to speak with her but u know she is avoiding me. i know for the first two months she was missing me like crazy. i was as well but too wrapped up in the mindset of "i should of done this a long time ago". now i regret what i said and am sad and lonely this holiday season. she made my day with her cute smile and beautiful eyes. she was the literaly "the apple of my eye". my heart drops everytime i think about her not being in my arms. its hitting me now. i remeber the day i let her go. it was numb. no feelings. no releif. no pleasure. no pain. just numb. i remember i was in a state of uncertainty, but now i am leaning towards regret and sadness. do i talk to her? if i do, should i after the holidays? will she still feel for me the way she once did? will i? hmm.. in these times of hardship i turn to God, and i pray. i have been praying everyday for her. i pray that she is safe and happy with whatever life she lives. i pray the same for myself, but i seem to find no answer to any of my prayers. life is rough, i dig and i find dirt that i don't want to see. its too late for me to take that back, i have seen too much and it has once again changed my veiw on my life choice. her words hurt and its only fair for her to give such recourse. my life is oh so confused and i dont know where i'm going. i have no purpose, expect myself. i don't think i ever found worth in myself. i think that maybe the problem in me. i need to be me and love me before i can give again. because i think the way our relationship played out, i never really knew what i wanted. i appreciated the love and that was all i needed from her. i guess i need more. she needed more and i couldn't give it to her. she wanted that fire and excitement of conversation. i could love without it. if our relationship was based on communication without words, i think we would be alright but she needed that stimulation. hmm.. i'm not that guy for her i guess. i gave as much as i could, the world and more. i hesitated to commit because of this and because i was i just pressured. she has a plan. i have a feeling. she had that feeling before me and i could not deal with not being on the same level. its hard when we're on different levels. she still means a lot to me and i think that is my problem right now. i have too much on my mind about her that i can't focus on other things in my life. i just need to slow my roll in life and find what i want, find satisfaction in me. find that i am a great person, that i love myself. Lord i hope i find that....

i know this is really dumb but there when we broke up, "broke up", it was kind of ignited by the movie Last Kiss with Zach Braff. there was this song in the movie that was oh so sad and just made me feel super terrible. i know this sounds bad, but i just kept listening to it the past couple days although it reminded me of us splitting. its like i have this unconscious feeling of "letting go, wanting to feel free from her grasp". she still holds my heart and i feel like i need something that can help me cry it out or just get it out of my system. she was my first and only kiss. i cant say the same for her. so now i start crying at the end of this damn post.... sorry, the words last kiss.. i cant stand it, i will never get it from her... i cry because i miss her.. and want closure or continuation. i don't know what i want i just want this void in my heart to go away, because its affecting everything in my life right now. my emotions for her, affect how i study, how i look at my hobbies, my interests, everything. she is still in my life... so yeah that song i was talking about its very intense for a slow and soft song. the artist is imogen heap and the song is "hide and seek".