update..

been hard to live my life as i used to. there is no substitute for the one i loved. i say the one i loved, because i feel everyday, my feelings for her fade. the one thing that gets me is that i feel like she is just talking shit about me to everyone. like i was the biggest jerk in the world and that just hurts so freaking much. was i now really? was i that bad of a significant other that you would have to bad mouth me to strangers and friends of ours? hmmm.. as fucked up as what you did to me was, i still tell everyone that its hard to not be with you. what is wrong with me, you get over me easier and i'm stuck with the guilt of letting you go? life sucks and sometimes i just wish i would find a rebound. there are plenty of women out there that i see fairly often but i am just not ready yet. how the hell does she do it? its as if she was a machine and she erased me out of her life so quickly and easily. i know that things will end up falling in place but this is just getting hard to deal with. i also hate talking to my dude friends, they just dont help at all. they have shown me the best way to get over this thing is to hook up with someone else. i just think to myself, is that really going to make things better? i think about my life as a single person and its shitty. i don't think i can do the dating thing really. i'm the kinda guy that does better with relationships. although relationships require much more work i feel i can do that better. when i hooked up with her, it was like majik. it was as if we fast forwarded to the part where we say i do before the season changed. its just sad to that we aren't together anymore. she meant the world to me and now i dont think she knows that anymore.

i know what im saying is probably all one sided but i feel like her side is much different. she probaby went through this stage already and i never responded to her as she was going through this rough time. i have been focused on what i thought i needed in my life, which was clarity in my goals outside of having a relationship. as much as she thinks this whole breakup thing was the co-worker deal, its totally not. i liked her and all but my ex was just wrapped up in too much drama. she thinks i need some scandalous shit done back to her because of her actions. whatever, i just wanted out of a relationship with someone that clearly didn't want what i had to offer. i hate life. i'm totally in a quarterlife crisis. she is just.. i don't know... and its just absolutly messing with my head. like she is no longer part of my life but everything that i go through in life reminds me something of her. i need parts of my brain erased and this just erks the shit out of me. AHHHH!!!!