winter..

it has arrived.

well its been here and it sucks. it literally sucks. i say this because this cold weather is sucking the life out of me. the cold combined with the depression of this guilt i hold makes me so drained.

but to keep my spirits high, i feel like i have been making new friends fast and i seem to be having a great time just living it up as such. i drink to offset the cold i feel and spend time with people to get my mind off the whole ex-girlfriend thing. i know i seem to talk about it all the time with everyone i kick it with but i think that i am slowly letting go. its hurting to do so but i know its really helping more than anything.

i have been reading up on being alone and i find that i have plenty of soul searching to do. not so much as to looking for a siginificant other, but more along the lines of finding my soul. she was right when she said that i never found myself. i think i became so selfless that i could not provide the love needed to keep the relationship together. i never loved myself and was destroying our relationship as a result. i need to know what i want for me. i need to love me. i need to see me. its very complicated. i still find myself following the same pattern with my family and friends but i seem to be getting the idea of being selfish. its hard to do that because that is something not in my character. but it seems like a good direction to go. for starters, i didn't blab this blog so much about others in my life (or not in my life). its a start, i have to start somewhere. it feels pretty good to do so too. i have a life and i am feeling good about it for the first time in the past couple of months. i have freinds that call me up, i have a job that i am thankful for, i have what i need to succeed in whatever i may run into. hmm.. so i really like where my life is going and i think i am just slowing moving forward in my life. i have been standing still for the past couple months but i'm moving..