postpone that last post...

so i feel like there is a lot of thinking to do about my ex. i really left her hanging with the whole break up. i never told her how i actually feel. all i told her is how i could not be in the relationship. how i could not move on with the relationship knowing what she had done. she sees what had happened was a technicality because we were not together. i guess it was wrong of me to try and save the relationship. but i was insanely in love and wanted her to know that i was willing to forgive her for all of that. although i do forgive her, i just cannot forget it. i still love her with everything that has happened, even though we are not together. i still think about her constantly, pray for her everyday, its like she is still apart of my life. she doesn't know that i still have these feelings because she is assuming that my silence, my decision to not speak, see, have anything to do with her means that i don't care or love her. but in reality, i just need this time to make sure i know what i really want, which is to be with her. this time apart can be real painful because when we broke up last summer, i could not let her be. all summer long she was pretty much with someone else but i continued to court her. but as i was courting her, she was still seeing the other guy. she pretty much assured me that she wanted to be with me. but i was absolutely confused out of my mind when she slept with someone else, had sex with him, whatever you want to call it. it was completely contradictory. as bad as it sounds, i just tried to forget about it. i tried to live with me forgiving her for this. i was convinced that it was ok because we were technically not together. then it happened again. but she hid that fact from me for a couple of months. again i forgive her. what was i thinking. this guy was absolutely dangerous to our relationship. but i trusted her, i knew what she wanted, and it was me. but my feelings still changed alot with our constant fighting. it was like we fought every couple weeks. and i would bring up the same shit. although i trust her and everything, i was paranoid with her internet relationships and text messaging and everything. so my feelings just changed, drastically, over a period of a couple of months from this summer. i just never iniated conversation, made plans for her and i, nothing. i was a deadbeat boyfriend. i was the guy that just followed her with whatever she wanted to do. i wasn't romantic, nothing. i think it just came out that way naturally, like i just didn't feel we were clicking anymore. i think i was just tired of the relationship, the fighting, the incident from that dreaded labor day weekend, and much more. but as much as i don't want to be in a relationship with her right now, i still care. i still love her. i want her to know i too am dying inside knowing i'm not with her. this whole break up thing was really hard for me too. she just sees me as having a jolly old time being without her. its not freaking easy i'll say. i just look like a dick for not speaking with her. but aside from all that i am quite content with my decision to say what i said to her and the decisions i have made following that. i remember my friend asking me this week how i was feeling. she knows the situation and i told her, "i'm feeling somewhere in between terrible and happy." i'm glad that i said what i said but i'm terrible without her. i'm terrible for sticking with this relationship, thinking that everything is ok and just not telling her the truth about how i was really feeling at that moment. but now that we are separated i do miss her but can't think about being in a relationship with her right now. i care about her so much that i can see a possibility of us getting back together but thats just my feeling. she may feel different. i care and love her so much that i don't mind that she needs anything from me, that she wants to call me, that she wants to talk about anything, i just feel terrible that she feels like i don't love or care for her. i think she wouldn't feel that way if she had more support. but i see that she really has none. i want to be that support, but it would be so contradictory of me. on top of that, i really don't have anything to say to her. hence my silence or just lack of attention for her the last couple months of our relationship. its hard not to think about her but its alot easier to just worry about myself. so yeah, i guess i'm still not ready to speak with her. i just have nothing to say still. if there was something i wanted her to know it would be:

i love her but not enough to get back together. i want to see what else is out there because all i know about women is her. i want to be sure. i thought i was sure with her, but my emotions lead me away from that. what ultimitely pushed me to tell her my feelings, my decison to break up, was lack of love i was giving her. she deserves the best. i had given that to her. but my love just diminished over the course of the year with the fighting and everything, including that incident. i'm taking this time to just do my thing. i do think we could be together again but not right now. i really want her to know that she is a beautiful person with a lot of passion. i want her to know that i love her and care for her. i just want her to know she is loved and will always be loved.

what goes through my mind once once or twice a week is the song "whisper" by ernie halter. sometimes i just want her to know i do want to be with her. but i know i'm not ready..