flipping a coin..

i feel as if my life lies in the flip of a coin. chance. i have no clue what to do with this coming month. it is a very important month for my ex and all i can think of is her. its now been about 80 days since i last saw her. i've spoke to her a couple time but in rage or of business matters. my presence to her is dead now. it is too late to get her attention and tell her how i'm feeling. i have made attempts to talk to her friends but i just haven't had the balls to mention how i'm actually feeling. i so badly wanna tell them i mis her and i trully am dying inside. i know i put myself in this position but i am seriously just suffering. its like ive been drowning in guilt. one side of me is just glad i told her how i was feeling and just relived to be free to do as i please. the other side is just dying inside, missing her badly. its like every hour of everyday since i last saw her is a flip of that coin. one minute i'll be hella kuwawa and shit and just down in the dumps for not staying with her. then the next minute i'm relaxed and calm because of the freedom of living my life the way i want to. i guess i could say i was living the same way when i was with her. one minute i was so incredibly happy to be with this beautiful woman of great kindness and love. then i just think about that morning... it ruins my day. being with her and dealing with that thought was managable but it was not going to leave my head. it pretty much traumatized me. when i wasn't with her, my imagination runs wild with thoughts of infidelity and deciet. the mind is so complex and when it comes to love it just gets insanely unbarable. i realized that i was living a life of denile. it was eating at me that i didn't dump her right then and there when it happened. it was just that thing called love that drove me to insanity. i was able to just deal with the fact that she continued to talk to the guy. evene after she fucked him twice, which was twice too many. i was so blind and naive. i was such a doormat, and thought that doing so would fix the relationship. hmmmm... well the coin continues to flip and i'm still going crazy. someone just take that coin away from me!!!