month full of problems..

wow its been a while since i blogged but what matters is that i am blogging now.

where do i begin with:

1. so there is this girl i have been dating and i think i have to quit playing myself and let her go. i have already started distancing myself from her but there are some complicated things in the mix of this relationship. so the first problem is that i have told her that i don't want a relationship. following that statement she goes and tells me that she wants one. after several weeks of knowing these are the feelings that we have for each other, we continue to hang out. i think it wont be long before a heart is broken...

2. so its just been a couple of hours since i saw my ex-girlfriend. don't know where to begin with this one...

too much is going on in my head with this one..


*the question that arises:
should i be alone or make things happen??

picking up the pieces..

so much has happened the past couple weeks. first was vegas.

i went with a couple of girls from grammar school that i have been hanging out with the past couple months. it was a pretty good time considering the belief that would've been awkward for me to be kicking it with a bunch of girls. one of the girls brought her boyfriend and that was nice to have some testosterone in the room. the first night we went to tao. to save some money we pregamed in the room, goose all the way! the night was a blurr.. when we left the club, all i remember was having two of the girls on my arms as we walked back to palazo. we got back to the hotel room, i woke up and having a very bad recolection on the night. the other guy staying with us was asking about some gatorade and i suggested walgreens. and he was like yeah i know we were just there last night! haha.. anyways after composing ourselves we left the room to head out for breakfast and the pool. it was a nice sunny day.. laid out all day and i got dark. went back to the room, napped, and went to outback steakhouse for dinner. gambled and headed back to the hotel for night 2. as the ladies were getting ready, me and the other dude drank.. i drank so heavily, i didn't recall where we ended up the next day! anyways, we went to tryst at the wynn. it was a pretty nice place as far as i remember. we danced and danced, it was just a blurr again. what i do remember was leaving the club with one of the girls just me and her. she wasnt feeling too good so she gave me her shoes, and we walked back to the room. this girl is one of hte chicks that i have been jocking for super long. she has been hitting me up prior to this almost every weekend. she has been been giving me hella mixed signals and i just play it by ear. like she is just a cute ass down women that i would like to hook up with. i dunno if i wanna be in a relationship with her but, i do like her. i like spending time with her and all that junk. anyways she wasnt hung up in my arm, we held hands all the way to the room.. this is just too much for me because i just end up over thinking this hand holding thing. its sweet and innocent but i dont think she wants that. anyways. she is fun.. next day rolls around, fly back to sfo.

monday.. call in sick, watch hella movies from the redbox at safeway. have dinner with the coworkers and fill them in on the weekend. i love my coworkers for real. they are always down to kick it and find me to be their source of entertainment and fun. we go to the gorilla bbq in pacifica and it was damn good.

tuesday comes around and i just fall into a trance of work. that was day 1 of 9.. i slowly fall apart and when the day i get off comes around. i just spend it driving around finding out MJ dies.. friday.. saturday. sunday. work, work, work.. last night graveyards and the same with tonight. got this schedule til thursday night.

too tired to continue so i will later.

The perfect day begins as such..

I wrote this when I was with my ex. This is how I imagined a perfect day would begin.

thoughts of you

i'm lying in my bed just thinking of the one i love
she is the most beautiful woman i have ever laid my eyes, ears, mind, hands and lips on
i imagine her on a beautiful white linen bed on a saturday morning
as i open my eyes to welcome the new day
she rests her pretty face on a pillow
as the sun crawls through the window and hits our entangled bodies
she opens her eyes and discovers i am lying next to her
she smiles and rustles in content
as our eyes meet, i bring my body closer to hers and we both fall into a state of bliss
i take a deep breath and inhale the sweet aroma of her long dark hair and fragrant scent
i stop to admire her beautiful face
those cute dimply cheeks paired with her pillowy soft lips compels me to take action
my hands take a journey around her delicate body culminating into a rush of blood throughout our bodies
our warmth once again roused our souls to connect
my face is perched on the back of her head as my lips move down to her awaiting neck
she wakes as i make a move down her chest and into her breast
as my lips wonder around her chocolate kisses, she places her hands on the back of my head
she is awake and stares into my eyes
then our lips meet in an explosion of passion
our hands wandering, our tongues massaging
we settle down and look into each others eyes and see our hearts as one
we embrace once more before getting more physical
my lips left hers down her bosom onto her stomach she cries out a soft moan
my lips move further south into her inner thighs
those strong legs of hers tense as i massage with my tongue
her body quivers as i deliver i tongue into her moist lips
the intensity of this union leads her to my member
i then tremble in satisfaction as she pleasures me..

Its not finished but soon will. Hopefully even fulfilled..
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Rough mornings..

So last week I was on the graveyard shift and after one day of rest I'm back to the regular swing of things. It was not easy let me tell you. First of, thursday night was the last graveyard shift so after working that night, I headed to safeway for a day full of movies before I go to sleep. I ended up watching baby mama and the bank job (two totally different movies right??). I knocked out, woke up around 7, heading over to my homeboy's spot for a little to session (dj stuff, not toking up) and then to an art show. Oh boy did I get stupid drunk. $2 drafts in a restaurant around the corner. I ended up getting shitfaced, texting these girls and regretting some of that night. Stupid ass me gets driven to my homeboy's place, mind you I'm still trashed, and drive home. I park just right (not scraping my rims this time) and end up stripping into my birthday suit to wake up just in time for my shift at 1pm. Rough morning lemme tell you.. So I make a sad attempt to go out again later that night and just end up alone watching the benjamin button movie and finishing a bottle of red wine to myself. Same story for sunday, rough morning. I planned last week, "oh yeah, I could totally go to the gym before work." Yeah right didn't happen. Had an early 8am shift today (or should I say yesterday) and was hella late. I thought I'd work out afterwards but that totally didn't happen. Anyways its been a rough couple of days, need to get to the gym sometime!
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Another night alone..

I came home from work today, watched the curious case of benjamin button and I drank an entire bottle of red wine from the philippines. I opened that bottle and was reminded of the life I was living a year ago. I bought that bottle of wine when I was in the philippines for a wedding for my exgirlfriends cousin. One year ago, it was nba finals time again and I remember just breaking up with my ex for the millionth time. This time we split, I could not take her constant need for answers. She just wanted to know what was going to happen. I didn't know what to do. So I told her I need time.. Even though I asked her for that she kept nagging me, "do you know what you want?" And I didn't. Although I didn't have a clue of what to do with our relationship, I caved in. We got back together. I really didn't want to but I couldn't see her suffer. She was so happy with me at her side. She felt safe in my arms, in my life. There was once satisfaction in seeing her smile but it disappeared a long while ago. I just didn't have that same feeling of love when she was with another man. I couldn't handle it. Some men can but not I. I still think about her, I still peep at what her away message on aim says, I still speak of her with the heartbreak I caused her and myself. I have so much life ahead of me. What do I do?? I have much time for myself but find myself wanting to give it to others. I am a creature of giving. I need for others to take what I offer. I can't.. I'll finish later
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She loves me, she loves me not..

Well I have to say that once again my mind is playing tricks on me. I mean I really like E but its not gonna happen. She is such an awesome person, I mean she is attractive, smart, funny, and is able to put up with my lameness. Haha.. Anyways, I feel as if I have been texting her a lot and its cool but I just don't know what to think about it. Ok I am obviously overthinking once again instead of studying.. Yeah, I got a final tomorrow.
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Still not ready..

Well its been a super long time since I started this whole blog thing and I still don't think I'm ready to see other people. It's not that I'm shy or not confident enough to approach women. Its the fact that I still have not gotten over my ex girlfriend. I still care, I still love.. I know that I broke up with her and said that I wanted to see other people, but it has been hard to just do that.

When I approach a woman, the thing that sticks in my mind is if this is the kind of woman that I wanna start a relationship with. I don't think so much like the typical guy, the whole, getting into pants thing. I am a relationship kinda person, not so much a date kinda person.

I find that kind of a fault of mine. So many people are out there and want to date. I want that. I wanna have that same desire to date, but I just want to be in a relationship. Hmm.. Well I guess that's what people my age have to find out. I have to find out what I want and things will hopefully follow.
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had to share..

http://eargasmix.blogspot.com/2009/02/80s-roundup.html

float..

pretty wings - maxwell

pretty wings..

There is a new maxwell song out and its called pretty wings. Its basically a song of love and regret. I came across it after my crazy weekend in Las Vegas.

Well to kinda begin this weekend of insanity, wednesday marked pay day. I kinda went nuts at macy's wednesday morning furiously looking for clothes to wear for the weekend. I spent about $350 there and walked out with a pair of Joe jeans. The original price of the jeans were $179 but was able to take them off macy's hands for about $70. I tried them on and was like, hmmm.. Skinny jeans kinda. They were labeled slim boot cut but damn these designers and their accommodation for skinny asses. No love for the booty! Haha.. Anyways after my lovely time at macy's, I rushed into the city to work. Damn, I hella worked til midnight that night. After my shift, I rushed home to pack for my flight thursday afternoon. Omg, I was up til like 2:30am freaking packing all my shit into a small ass carry on. It was so difficult because I hella wanted to pack hella shit. Anyways after my energy drank wore off, I knocked out to prepare for my lovely day at school.

Thursday morning comes so fast and I head out to class. Luckily I had prepared myself for class that day because I had a presentation for nutrition. Killed it btw.. Headed off to physiology, smashed through that. Then I booked it back home for last minute checks on my stuff for Vegas. Phew, got everything. My dad picks me up and drops me off at SFO. I take southwest to LV and see some folks I kinda know on my flight. Get picked up my old roommate in his most disappointing rental. Jeep Patriot, crap car with squeaky ass brakes and uncleaned interior was our ride for the day. We head out to his aunt's and rest up a little. I settle in and change into shorts. Super hot there, like in the 80's. Then we head out to the Smith's which is like there Safeway to pick up some Grey Goose, Monster energy, fruits, cereal and milk, and water. After all that we decided we were hungry. Let's go to the strip! Haha.. So head out to the Palazo, where neither me or my old roomie have never been. Hella nice is all I gotta say. We walk around just browsing the restaurants and surprisingly spot our other old roommate! It was actually her birthday celebration and she invited us along for the festivities. We chop it up for a little and just head out on the strip in search of food. We end up at a random diner at some casino. Eh.. After that we just ended up walking around, buying drinks and gambling. I get pretty tossed and my old roomie was the kinda babysitter, making sure I don't fight anybody or something. I end up just losing some cash at the roulette tables and we end up back at his aunt's. I knock out on and un inflated aerobed because my drunk ass couldn't figure the damn thing out. I get up after a few uncomfortable hours later and head to the couch for some real sleep. Haha..

So TGIF, with no work was wonderful. We decided to go to the outlets. Not just any outlets either, the Las Vegas premium outlets =). Damn I dropped hella money buying up jeans at Lucky Brand Jeans, t-shirts at American Apparel and Volcom, and shoes at Vans. We had such a great time shopping we nearly forgot about checking into our hotel! Haha.. After a couple last minute purchases at Coach and LeSportSac, we head out to Treasure Island to get that room of ours. Beautiful view of the strip from out room. Anyways we kinda settle in and ready ourselves for the night out on the town. We actually forget some stuff back at his aunt's so we head out back in that direction for dinner and a couple items, like the goose and my camera. Had some awesome sushi and headed back to the TI. We get spiffied up and get our drank on. And boy did I drink a lot. After several shots in the room, we head to Planet Hollywood for our night in at Prive. It was quite a night, as far as I can remember. Robin Thicke was hosting and it was fairly packed. I guess I end up buying plenty to drink because after several purchases I black out. I wake up the next day - a couple hundred bucks in my wallet.. But wow, I did have fun. Supposedly I kept falling down in the club, danced with a bunch of chicks (as well as chickens and apparently a panda), got kicked out for sleeping, and end up kicked outta planet hollywood for vomitting. As I was being coaxed outta the hotel, the bouncers apparently nearly broke my fingers! Eeee.. But whatevers.. I can still use all of them.

Saturday.. Aftermath, hung over. Not much happened. Kinda just laid in the dark in the hotel room admiring the pool view and music. Round 2 begins, first dinner at Dal Toro in the Venetian or Palazo, one of those. Figured we'd save some money so we go shopping as Pacman and Hitman go toe to toe. Anyways, Hatton gets KO'd at the end of the 2nd. Wow, glad we didn't pay to see that. Anyways we just end up at Tao at the Venetian, Jay-Z's after the fight party. Pretty nice place. Kinda chill, just drinking and dancing a little. Me and my old roomie leave for some more trouble. Oh yeah, the stripclub. We take a taxi to Saphirre which was the place we went last time we were in Vegas and my old roomie was too tired to go that last time. So this time we were so ready, at like 3am. Still packed at that time and wow we had a good time. All I gotta say is strippers are nice people =)..

Sunday, we check out of TI, have some brunch at the Bellagio and I randomly find out my flight has been delayed. I'm like ok that's coo, its not til tomorrow.. Not!! Wow, so I nearly miss my flight but it was cool because it was delayed. Make a couple trips to gather some of my things and make our way to the airport. So I kinda was nonchalant about this whole thing and just take my time. I attempt to check in, and I get this weird ass ticket so whatevers. I go through security and walk to my gate. The last of the passengers get on and I am literally the last person to board. So bad.. Get to SFO after a gazillion delays and dealt with the weirdest of people to sit next to in the plane. Oh how I miss the fog.. Bum it for the rest of the sunday and recover from all the craziness of the weekend.

Monday.. I'm off and just chill, then bam a phone call to work. Sure I'll work for a couple hours. Tired from that, and recover some more.

Tuesday, school.. Nap.. And eat terribly. I have had so much junk food the past 24 hours. I've had Taco Bell (to celebrate cinco de mayo =) not really mexican but eh), buttered popcorn and a bunch of soda.. So bad. And now instead of doing my homework I just sit in front for my computer and watch youtube vids..

Whata week right. I'm pooped..

And in between all this I still think of that woman. She haunts me and I just seem to not mind it at all..

Pretty wings.
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The emotional roller coaster continues..

So the feeling of the moment right now is pretty good. Its been more good lately than it has in the past couple months. I have really began to let go of my past and just look forward to the things to come.

As I have been saying for a while now, not on my blog to my friends and some of my family, I have been wanting to move to boston. It's a whole new city and a whole new life. I will most definitely miss all my friends and family but I think I am just looking for a change in scenery and people to spice up my life. I feel as if my life is getting kinda boring, not much excitement. At work today there was a list of the top hospitals in the US and one listed that popped out at me was massachusetts general hospital in boston. I got kind of excited so after my workout today I decided to take a look at the job opportunities there and there are a couple in line for me to jump at. The only thing is that I need to figure out what I have planned for my future. As far as I am concerned, all I am really thinking about is this coming weekend which is the big fight in Las Vegas. I will be attending with my old roommate and we will probably meet up with our other friends to hit up the clubs. So yeah, other than that I have not much else planned for the future. Everything else is kind of unorganized or half-assed. My career, vacations, and all other kind of stuff like this is just blah to me other than Vegas. But eh.. What to do. Anyways feeling good and am excited for the week.
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Hopeless love life..

Well first of all this is the first post that I will try and do on my BB via email. So far so good I guess but I'll check the results after I get done with what I need off my chest.

As I write this, I am listening to the album: So Far Gone by Drake. Shit is good..

Anyways as you can tell from the title I am kinda in a rut with the ladies. I feel as if every possible relationship I have been attempting to get into, it just doesn't work. I mean relationship following the one relationship that I have under my belt already.

In a previous post, that I may have marked private, I was developing something with "E". Well I think I again got my hopes up with her. I mean I always have my hopes up with women but just don't follow through for fear I will loose them altogether as a friend, acquaintance, anything to me really. Anyways, I have been there via text for her. Making her laugh, giving her support, love.. as a friend.. She is a complicated women as in all the women that I seem to get involved with. Anyways, I had dinner with her last night. Same ole shit kinda stuff we usually talk about. But this time we meet, I get this we should be friends kinda feeling. She walks through the door. I see her, I try and give her a hug and just end up patting her back.. Yeah.. I tried a simple gesture of care and respect but it seems as if she just wants our relationship to be at a distance. Oh well, I still care for her and will be what I have been for her. I just gotta stop with bringing my hopes up. With all women.. So yeah.

Another kinda heart breaker, is this chick "k" who is a chick I expressed some interest in and had nothing in return. Anyways, she's leaving our establishment and on a scandalous note in my eyes. I have been told at her going away party this past tuesday, she was holding hands with a recently married man, another co worker. Although his wifey is technically not here, its not right with the gestures she is giving. I mean I gave up on trying to hook up with her a while ago but whatevers..

The "scorpio" is a feisty one. She has a lot of baggage but all I gotta say about her is she tells me that I seems to always hit her up at and right times, like when she's down and stuff.. So I will just continue what I do with her. She is just down..

"C" is also a down chick but learned quickly that she is also one to play games, like mind games. So yeah, I think I'm over shit like that.

Kinda ready to get in the dating DATING scene. All I got are friends.. Things are just feeling hopeless right now.. But will get better I hope.
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been a while.. again..

so life has been just more of a solo flight for me lately. i have been able to do everything that i wanna do. just the thing is i'm still lonely. but i guess that comes with the territory of wanting this lifestyle. eh. i'm just so torn but on top of that i have great friends and family. im not alone, just missing that one person that meant the life to you. that significant other. that other half...

so i know i'm not ready to get into anything. that i am sure of. that's all i really gotta update.

other things going on in my life:
- upgrading my destiny (2006 honda accord =))
- planning a trip to euro (not for sure, but might as well be)
- camera researching (looks like the panasonic lumix lx-3)
- getting my music shit together (possible dj gigs in SD)
- slowly getting used to this lonely shit..

ghost of a good thing..

so it's april already. been a super long ass time since i seen her. feelings are so freaking strong still. i have not made my way to seeing other people. do i want to though? i think the fact that i ask this question means that i am not. but asking this question can also mean that i may not want to go back to the relationship. the spectrum of possibilities just make me so confused. so as i did last night, i am not ready to hook up with other people. because i know that i am not ready. its much better without any complications so i choose niether. its like i have a new notebook and i am in control of what i should right. this control is so new to me. its so fun. i can create and destroy what can happen in my life. i know that i had the ability before but its only now that i choose to focus myself entirely. its sucks though. there is nobody to share joy and sadness with. i can share it but its not like they will make it as if it were their own, like the one that you love. its rough without that other half and i miss it dearly.

the ghost of a good thing is a song from maroon 5 that reminds me of my feelings..

btw, the cure is the original emo

i hate pants though?!

see funny english mistakes

strangest of feelings..

today i feel just all over the place. the one thing that i feel like i need is a solid support system. i need friends that are just always down. always hitting me up and seeing whats up with me. i feel as if i lost that feeling when i departed from my relationship. she was everything, she was that and then some. she loved me with a passion. she was down, and understanding and there for me all the time. i did my best to be that for her. i was not enough. i'm not drunk in any way at all and i still display these feelings of sadness and regret about me and her, after months and months have past, i still have something missing in my life. it sucks. i have learned to live with this but i can't get it out of my head. she is constantly in everything i do. when i wake up, when i'm working, when i drive, when i sleep.. its hard to live without her. she won't allow me in her life anymore. i just feel it. she is just ready for me to leave this planet that i share with her. i on the other hand just don't know what i want. she is great but can i live with what she has done. she did it to me and to herself. i dont know if i can go on feeling the way i feel for her with thoughts of her and another human being having interupted our life. im not angry anymore, just frustrated. just in such denile. im not scared of what is to come next, but i am scared of what i am leaving behind. it has been literally months since i have had a good nights sleep. the last i remembered i had a good nights sleep, i was pasted out from binging on alcohol waking up with no shirt on. its destructive and i have come to the point where i don't need to do that anymore. i dont know what i should do or feel. i really don't. i feel like i am in a position where i should maybe see other people and get a grip on what it is i really want. it is easy to say but hard to do, especially since i am a guy. i think the agressiveness that i am not needs to come out to push me out into the ocean of fishes and seek for another potential. ok as you can see with the records of my posts, i really have a problem with sleeping and i think that i need to at least attempt my slumber now so i get enough time for my next day of life.

called in..

ok its past midnight. yesterday was a weird day for me. first of all i called in sick for work. first reason i did this was because i was actually not feeling well. secondly i just needed a day of rest. i have been getting worked. that past couple of weeks i have been stressed and caught up with this insane workload dumped on me from sick calls, poor scheduling, and just working with certain people. it has gotten to the point where my manager has had to point out my mistakes that i have been making within my duties. its bad.. well i took the day off to just rest up and bring some sanity back to my life. i woke up today around 8 to call in, and got out of bed like 1030ish. i made some noodles to go with my leftovers from the slanted door. such yummy food and great scenery from there. anyways, ate that, and kinda lounged around for like 2-3 hours. i needed to just destress myself and lounging was what i needed sorta. then i decided to go shopping. i know i shouldn't be out and about when im sick but whatever. i made my way to the san mateo area. so since i received my costco rebate from the american express i opened up there, i decided to browse the store for any goodies. that was unsucessful so i headed to the macys down the road for their one day sale. i walked in and found that there were some awesome deals so i walked outta there with a couple large shopping bags full of stuff. with me were new dress shoes, ties, a coat and 2 sweaters. pretty good. but as i was shopping i received a call from which i did not recognize. it was from the east bay somewhere. at first i didn't think nothing of it. then after calling it back, i became anxious.

as i called the number back, a familiar voice answered telling me that they would call me back even before i had anything to say. after that i call, i knew it was her, my exgirlfriend. it was making my day just a whirlwind of emotions. i didn't know why she was calling me but out of courtesy i answered the call back she was gonna give me. she wanted to apologize for acting the way she acted when i saw her last week. i am such a push over and said o yeah its ok, don't worry about it. she continued to tell me that she was going through some things and didn't want to see me. she not really ready to see or talk to me at all. she told me she changed her number not because of me but because someone was harassing her. it made me concerned and suspicious at the same time. but it was just so out of the blue. if i was working today i would have never got the missed call or anything. hmmm.. well in between all this my homegirl helped me with controling my emotions. im so appreciative of her and she has been such a good friend. well after that, i got some brewskies and chips, watched the warriors game and some NCAA action at my friends place in the mission. after all that, i just headed home. there are places where i could have gone, but im just so.. confused.

its times like this..

that i think of stupid things that i would want to do. for instance, on days like this, where all my classes are done for the day, i have no work, and its incredibly beautiful out side, that i wanna spend time with a woman in bed with the sun shining on our naked bodies as we make love. wow. what a sentence right. but with the luck that i have been having, there are no women in my life that fit that position. although there are many women that i have been meeting, kicking it with, my nice guy status just says it all. no aggressiveness, not hmph, not enough for some of these girls. they want the badass that i don't wanna be.

but yes. that is all i wanna do.

tired and sore..

well i have been doing so much to keep my insane together. i just got the bomb dropped on me this monday from my mom that my dad is in possible jeopardy with his job at kaiser. now i don't just have to worry about my mom being out of a job but now i am worried about my dad as well. to escape from all this drama that makes my go crazy, i decide to stay out of my house. i know that the problem doesn't go away but i at least don't have to face the reality that i am living in. i feel so much pressure coming from them but its not their fault. the economy is what is driving my stress. i want to do so much like go out do things like take motorcycle classes, go to bars, visit museums, watch movies but i can't really. there is nobody to go with. all my friends are broke and some don't have jobs. i have no girlfriend, nor do i think i need one, and i have no one to spoil. all i do is work out, exercise and mope around, making my life as miserable as i can. i need something. there is something missing in my life that just makes whole and i hope its not what i let go. as much as it hurt her, letting her go may have cost me a whole mess of emotions that is harming my health. hmm.. i tried, it took a long while but i tried, no response. its just sad. i hope what i need in my life comes soon because i am literally deteriorating from all this stress in my life. currently in my cd player is an old cure CD. the album disintegration is just extremely depressing and is one of the best albums put together that i have heard. its helping me release some emotions that need a out. i cry to the song "pictures of you" and it just is something that describes what i do in my room when im alone. its so depressing looking at them, its so sad that our relationship ended. we're not even freinds anymore. she is disgusted to see my face. i cant even be several feet away from her. forgiveness and 2nd chances. i tried, but its not what she wants. i don't know what she wants. i don't know what i want. our lives are just is opposite directions. as i chase what her, with intent of gaining a friend back, she runs away with disgust and anger and animosity. it hurts and knowing her, she will hold on to those feelings and not give them up. i try and may try again beacause she is special. although she may think that i may not want her in my life, i really do. its complicated to explain. i want her in my life but not as my significant other. she had that position and it disappeared when things she decided to do those unspeakable things. my body needs rest.. from the stress i bring upon myself and the stress of life itself.

was it a good idea..

no it was not. so i thought in my inebriated state of consciousness that it was a good idea to tap my ex girlfriends shoulder and be civil. no. i regret what i did and now feel like an idiot. that is all. too drunk to type.

in a lose lose situation..

i may seem happy to some but i am so not. if i could describe how i'm feeling, it would be a combination of anxiety, sadness, and content. im unhappy and happy at the same time. bittersweet. i think i need some time off to just relax and think about my life. that is not going to happen anytime soon. i am so busy with my school and work that i just can't stop and feel. i mean i'll have like 30 minutes here, 2 hours there, but really there is a constraint. there is no real relaxtion. i need something and i just don't know what it is.. well i gotta get to my studying. have been procrastinating for the past couple hours and just need to get on my shit.

one thing that is occupying my time though is my car. it makes me happy. oo, sorry she does. haha.. when i first got her, i named her. destiny =) anyways here's a pic.

better.. much better..

so the thoughts of her have really subsided the past month or so. i don't really think about her as much as anymore. i used to just constantly become consumed with thinking about what she was doing for the entire day sometimes. now i have my priorities in place. well for the most part i do. im still pretty lazy but you know what i mean. i thought i would blog about the past week and the roller coaster it has been for me. so lets begin with last week. i had a lab report due last friday it literally took up all my time and i was just stressing out of my mind. so after the valentines day weekend i got right on it. we were in the library studying, writing up the lab it just did not come together as fast as i thought it would. it was nearly a photofinish. That friday after all the craziness came more craziness. so friday i had to work. that morning i did my online quiz for physiology, emailed the lab, and went straight to work. that night i really didn't sleep all that much, as far as i remember at least. anyways, after that day of work, i came home rested my head for a minute and looked at the clock. earlier that day i had made plans to meet up with my cousin in san jose. so i really didn't wanna go alone so i brought one of my good homegirls. i went from daly city to san leandro then to downtown san jose. we partied it up at capers loft aka loft bar and bistro. it was a coo place and as the night progressed i was like, wow hella azns.. haha.. anyways i attempted to dance with some ladies and it was somewhat successful. danced with her for a moment and it was not much else after that. i was able to get to know my homegirl alot more and vice versa. we are totally in a quarter-life crisis and it is just killing. we have no more significant others, grind all day at work.. it was the same shit, different day kinda deal. any ways this whole single thing was a new ballpark and i was finally more comfortable to approach the opposite sex. anyways the night was ok and we had decided to go home. we drove from sj to la pinata in san leandro (i think) and pigged out. what a journey that night was turning out to be. the night ended with a good nights rest of 2 hours for me. i had work at 6 am. yeah im crazy.. so that day was absolute hell and it just kicked my ass all over the place. as soon as my shift ended i went home and naped for like 5 hours. woke up, round 2. there was a going away party for another homegirl of mine. she is super random and she just decided to up and move to NY, queens to be exact. her vacation back in january went from a couple day trip to a month's long stay. during that time she was able to find a job, which is great to hear because of her unsuccess here in the bay area. anyways i woke up at like 9pmish and i was out and about once again in the city this time. we were kicking at this spot called bruno's in the mission. it was a real cool crowd. real mixed, not like the night before. i saw a bunch of folks and just partied it up as much we could. ooo and that night consisted of bacon wrapped hot dogs! delish.. aright so following the bar we headed to sparky's a diner off market in the castro area. it was pretty good. never been there and hit the spot. so i dropped off my friend afterwards and headed home for another tiny nap. 6am comes around and im back to work. that day was actually much better than the day before. worked it, went home and just remembered that i agreed to do a double on monday. wow, so slept woke up at 430am, worked at 6 and didnt end up leaving until 830pm. it was a doozy i tell you. i was tired. i also got an email from one of my coworkers about our plans to do mexico. looks like it wont happen, but anyways hope we do something fun. i know we will. but the reason she wont be able to make it is that her mom is having a hysterectomy. serious stuff.. so its totally understandable. family first. tuesday rolls arond, school, and mardi gras!! out to poleng. we had a couple beers before heading in and we had a pretty good time. them bam! for real a real freaking bam! chick fight. two more words. cocktail dresses.. wow. it was brutal. those girls were all over each other and hair and earings and shoes all over the place. wednesday rolls around. work, exahaustion, research paper. oo man i hate my procrastination. damn i also get a text from my home boy, laid off. it came as a big ass shock because it is happening. this recession is just affecting everyone in everyway possible. my mom too, someone on her floor got the boot too. its scary beacause the lady leaving was at the company longer than my mom and my mom has been there over 25 years. =/ thursday, school, so tiring. i cooked me some brown rice, chicken breast and boiled up some veggies. real health nut stuff. felt pretty good afterwards. didnt feel like gross at all and i was full. it was kinda nice. anyways, i hit the book after that. then the time flew. dinner with coworkers, gym, and here i am.. so tired i need sleep. i really do. as you can see this roller coaster of my life is filled with so many highs and lows. it just is so tiring. im still young and able to handle this lifestyle.

prolly one of the coolest valentines ever...

so aside from work, i did a lot yesterday. i had no plans whatsoever yesterday so i just went with the flow for this hallmark holiday. i got of work at 5 and decided even though its raining i think i'm gonna go to the big pillow fight in the embarcadero. wow was i glad i went. i met up at my friend's house near the daly city BART, had some henn and coke, BARTed it over to the spot and bladow! PILLOW FIGHT!!! it was hella fun. folks just randomly having a crazy ass pillow fight. would stayed a little longer if i didn't have plans and would talk to more girls if i wasn't so sober. so anyways that was super fun getting knocked in the face with pillows my randome strangers. i BARTed back home, got ready and headed to palo alto. mikaye's on university was a crazy experience. SAKE bombs!! wow never had so many in a short period of time. it was fun though i have to say. with some down ass friends and just partying it up as a single fellow. it was a friend of a friend's birthday and she was gonzo. i mean she had massive amounts of sake and from what i heard had been partying it up since thursday! trooper.. anyways we headed out shortly after sake bombing around palo alto and found our way to what i think is called "elbe"?! i dunno anyways, there were hella girls in this place, like hella. from what i could tell it was cool. the girls were there but i stuck to my friends and played it safe that night. my homegirl just kept announcing her drunkeness and it was just funny. hahah.. so after that we had JIB and i ended up having a money fight with that same homegirls about paying for our tacos. headed over to another one of our homegirls spot in mountain view, ate our JIB and watched "who framed roger rabbit" and fell asleep simultaneously.. woke up this morning like 9:30am and just chit chatted about youtube videos and stuff.. now im home and looking back at what looked like an excellent valentines day. yay for being single!

on the week of valentines..

so this year i have no valentines but what i do have are really cool friends. as we are all single, we are hopefully planning to have dinner next week thursday. i just sent and invite to them for the SF chefs first crab week where there are a bunch of bay area restaurants that feature crab on their menu for the week. i am not all that sure if this idea will fly with them but i thought i would be a good idea to do that since it is a limited time kinda thing. we were also looking to go to the slanted door which we hear is also a pretty good place to eat.

so i an totally on this other girls jock at work. she is super cute, nice teeth, cute petite little butt (i know shouldn't be looking but i do) and just a down ass chick. i think she is looking for a man for some strange reason. i get this vibe that she is jocking me. i dunno it may be me feeling confident from all the wokring out i have been doing but i just feel like she is attracted to me. as i am to her as well. she is cool. i just don't know how to go about asking her out. i have been thinking about things to do in the city like the SF ballet, museums, restaurants, shopping, etc.. to see what kind of things she is into. so far she is a mystery. its a challenge but a good thing i guess. i think i may be a too cool with her though. i am like the opposite of aggressive and its just killing me to see her just standing there. i do like her though. i also think i spilled too much baggage on her too. i told her the whole situation with my ex and my fam and it just kinda downs our relationship sorta. anyways i think i may be overthinking the situation too much. maybe i should just ask her out. im pretty sure she would be down so, what is there to lose.

ok well as for my lifestyle, its been work, school, gym, sleep and repeat. the gym is really making my confidence go up as well as my energy. so i shall post again later on my life.

currently stuck on the heinrich maneuver by interpol.
- on this tip of just letting go of her. feels bittersweet..

breaking out of the norm..

so since this saturday i feel like a mew me kinda. first off i noticed that i am more adamant about going to the gym. i went yesterday and today, and was there on saturday. the next two days i am taking off on the gym. tomorrow is all about schoolwork. there is a quiz that i gotta get done for my physiology class and me and my homegirl wanna get that outta the way tomorrow. so thats for tomorrow and on thursday i seem pretty set on playing ball with one of my other classmates from school. he actually went to high school with me and my friends and we haven't seen him in a minute. that reminds me that i gotta send a happy b-day to one of my high school buddies. ok..

so what has really been on my mind is the fact that i saw my ex-girlfriend on saturday. i was extremely awkward being at her place. although i did not go to see her, i was just completely and utterly out of my mind when i was there. i went for a prayer/ celebration of a good friend and old roommate of ours in college. that whole situation just brought weird thoughts to my mind. it made me think that life could be cut short for anyone. he was doing just great, about to get married, moved into a place with his fiance just a couple weeks ago. anyways the prayer was good. we all reminisced about all the good times we had with him and it was beautiful and sad at the same time. those emotions combined with the ones that i had floating around in my head about my ex was just too much to handle. anyways, while i was there i seemed to have outkasted myself from everyone in the place. i had know about a third of the guests that had arrived but was just feeling... how do i say this... not myself when i was there. i was extremely uncomfortable being there. anyways as i was sitting in one of the chairs chillin in the corner kinda, i over hear a conversation with my ex's sister and a freind of my ex. i guess there she goes out all the time now. only god knows what actually happens then, but i was just extremly weirded out with her behavior. it was just not something i wanted to hear. she was doing great. she was out and about and having lots of fun. me on the other hand seem to have a problem with hearing all this and other things because i am dying when i hear all this. i am just, hmmm... ok anyways i have decided that i need to forget about her now. she is just fine and i just need to focus on me. i have been saying that to myself for the past couple of weeks and now i seem to finally be following it. so tired. so many sleepless nights. goodnight world, wish me luck in my dreams...

if you don't already know..

im drunk.. =) so today i started it off with calling in sick to work. it was quite refreshing to just call in and say, "ooohh i'm not feeling well"... hahhah so i did that and went back to sleep. it was awesome. but in return i faced yet another problem. my friend from college had gotten into a car accident this past week and passed away. there was a prayer at, of all places, my ex-girlfriends apartment. it was an weird experience. we prayed the rosary and that in and of itself was a trip. as it was being prayed, not so many prayed along, so i was one of the lone prayers that followed along with it. as my luck would have it, my exgirlfriend was the leader. after all that prayer business, was when we all shared our thoughts and memories of our fallen homie. following that we just went about our business chit chatting it up with folks. as it was awkward for me being there, i naturally outkasted myself from everyone. i may have looked like a dick but i was just observing and thinking about the whole situation. i was really uncomfortable with this whole thing. i have not seen my ex in like almost 6 months. it was hard to be there with all that was going on. i was just at a lose for words so i left.

after i left i remembered, i had received a missed call from my other homeboy. UFC, main event as bj penn vs. gsp. it was dope. anyways i after the fight i called up my homegirl and we went to milk. pretty good time. spent like an hour there then headed home after an encounter with some acquaintances. after that im home now. ready to sleep. i prollu woulda wtoe more but im tired. love you world. good night

much new later but...

see more pwn and owned pictures

down in the dumps..

so i get a call last night around 11pm from a good college buddy of mine. he used to be my boss at macy's and help out with the club me and my friends were apart of. anyways i usually wouldn't be getting calls from him this late so i was curious as to why he was calling. i pick up, in his usual normal fashion he tells me our other homeboy past away earlier that day. car accident. last i heard he was engaged. it was quite shocking to hear even that news. he was having problems with his lady at the time and it was just so unexpected. but aside from that, it showed that love stands through really bad times and patience is a quality that just overcame their adversities. anyways, after i hear about his engagement, the next time i hear about him is this... sadness for real. anyways he was a cool guy, i had no real problem with him. he was just an average guy that i had a couple good memories with. i remember he took me to a secret surf spot and where he said he was a dolphin, played dynasty warriors till the early morn in his old apartment, balled it up at the courts on meder st. hella stuff. hmmm.. so yeah that accident, he didn't make it and fortunately his fiance and his fiance's child survived. sadness..

just that night before i spent some time with some of my roommates from college and they seemed stressed out out of their minds about their jobs. i mentioned them because we all did live with our now deceased friend. hmmm.. today has been a trying day. i shal sleep and blog about why in really down in the dumps.

before i begin my day..

so i had this dream last night, actually more like this morning, that kinda freaked me out. i'm guessing i was in chicago, for sure not in the bay area, and i was getting something out of a minivan. from what i remember it was my aunt from chicago's minivan and as i was getting out of the passenger side door i noticed that it was kinda broken. i assumed it was broken into just recently and saw some unfamiliar guy trying to open the driver's door. as he was trying to open that door he sees me trying to close my door and i run. i saw knife in his hand and book it to the convenient store. i immediately call 911 and i just could not figure out where i was and i just end up not finishing the call with them. instead i hide between one of the isles and call my ex. i tell her im in trouble, about to be stabbed and i wake up. from what i remember she was pretty concerned, she asked if i was on alemany in the city and i told her i was far from it and thats all i remember. but yes i need to get on with my day and work out is definitley needed. first time in the gym this year for me. got my deposit check from my apartment. and gotta drop off my netflix stuff..

back in the bay..

so i know i didn't finish up with my daily blog deal but there wasn't much to the rest of my trip. after my last blog i headed out to MIT and harvard. i actually didn't go alone because one of my roommates in the hostel planned to go there too. so first of all i didn't get up in time for the breakfast that day so i headed out to dunkin donuts. their food was not up to par with my standards anyway. the mini-bagel with butter and jam was not that great and the milk with my cereal must have came from a powdered box kinda thing. anyways i had one of those flatbread sanwich and a dunkachino for breakfast that day. then matt and i walked up massachusetts ave towards MIT. omg, that was a hella far ass walk and i was just like, can we take the train or something?! whatever, so we get there and end up in the one of the quad areas which was pretty empty. took some pics, walked through buildings and found ourselves in their stata center which was cool to see. just a oddly shaped building outta this boring ass smart guy campus. after seeing that, we walk toward harvard. i must say from there it was super far away from harvard. on our way there, there was the MIT museum and that was super cool. hella nerdy ass shit in there like mototrized sculptures of the DNA models and robots.. so yeah, a hella nerdy ass museum. got hungry ate a bar a clock away. i ate a 9dollar chicken sanwich and introduced my australian friend root beer. walked to harvard and found out it was a massive campus with many old and beautiful architecture. there were some great buildings and scultures that showed the prestige and legacy that university has gain over the years. then we took the train back to the hostel. i packed my stuff up and headed to adrian's. was getting dark and took a break in the park before heading into his place. when i got there, set my stuff in his room and kinda just chilled and watched TV. we ate tacos, watched american idol, drank and headed to a bar in cambridge blocks away from MIT called middlesex. it was pretty hip bar playing lots of funky disco beats with breakers bouncing in and out of dance. the was place mad cool but since it was a tuesday night, there were not that many girls. there was a group of girls that came in but weren't all that. so we kinda just let them be instead of diving in the mix with them. as the night progressed, we got more drunk and just took a cab home. even though it was hella late when we got back we just continued to pound beers. we ended up talking about the life as a single man and a non-single man. it was pretty heavy stuff for me to handle but it was good to get insight from guys. these guys were hella cool because they were aware of my situation and generously showing me their perception of it. it was cool and we paid for it the next day. i think all the guys ended up sleeping in til about 11. we then made forbidden pancakes and chilled all day. i planned on trying to hit up mass general hospital but was just not feeling it that morning. 230 rolls around, i shower and head out to logan airport for my flight back home. my flight gets delayed about a half an hour. as soon as the plane arrives i head to my seat and just knock out. head to detroit it think and book it to my transfer gate. that flight i was awake for most of it. i end up pretty much finishing one of my self help books. it was super interesting to read about how my life should be more about me and sharing love. i enjoyed most of it and it brought me home safe and sound. i say that now because a couple days later a plane lands in the hudson... yeah that scared the shit out of me. so yeah home sweet home. im in at like 11ish and just pretty much knock out for work the next day... so yeah, thats the trip. back to the grind. tomorrow is my friday and its a MLK day. picking up some comp time at work tomorrow and i am just not looking forward to it as much because of my double i pulled today. oo so tired now. goodnight world.

boston: day 2 (continued)

so for the rest of day yesterday it was pretty chill. again nothing was really planned so it was pretty fun. after the library i went to the trinity church and it was amazing. the windows and the murals were just awesome. the detail that artists to put in these glass mosaics was do good. anyways, that church being a catholic church i made a wish because it was my first time in there. i made a wish that i have been making since i was always told of this tradition. i wished that everything will turn out alright for myself and my ex. i prayed that we would find happiness with or without each other. it most definitely made me just think about her and how she is doing and i just felt that she still thinks of me. but i don't know what she wants. i don't know if she feel the same way i do or if she wants a new man or just wants to be alone. anyways as i was in the church i got a call from my friend that lives over here. he was about to get off work at the faneuil marketplace at the urban outfitters. so i called back but i guess he was still doing a couple things so i headed down towards the prudential center to see a couple more sights before meeting up. anyways i saw a couple church buildings and i got a call from him. i hopped on the green line and headed to the government center for us to meet up. we start walking to his place and on the way we get a canoli at the famous mikes pastry shop on hanover. oooo boy that was good. i never had a one before and i have been mission out. anyways i told him i would get dinner if he was down so we hit up this place called fiore. kinda pricey but it was delicious. we just end up talking about all the kinds of things going on in our lives. women, family, economy and all that jazz. afterwards we head towards his place. before going there though we stop by the 7-11 for some beer. as we were about to walk in, a lady stops us and offers us a pair of tix for the celtics game!! we were just in awe, it happened all so fast and we were attempting to get at that but she wasn't biting. but wow, we got tix in the lower lever for free!! we buy the beer, get faded at his place (i meet his cousins and get a little tour) and bounce to the game. the game was freaking crazy, overtime and the celtics win by 6. get back to his place and just chill out. shared a couple youtube vids and went to sleep. the day began, he and his cousins leave for work and head out as well. now i just have no clue what to do today. i'm planning on getting to harvard and MIT to check their campus. so yes i shall update in a little.

boston: day 2 @ boston public library

so on this beautiful january day i have done a whole lot of sight seeing so far. from my hostel i walked down to beacon street. there were many brownstones (i think thats what they're called) on along that street and they were just tastefully accented by the snow that topped them. i was on beacon street for like 2 miles and i made my way to the public garden and the boston commom. the parks were filled with many different statues and and other structures. i took plenty of pictures and i'll post some as soon as i get a chance. i feel like i have walked the entire city twice today. i was just all over the place i had like no real route to go. i went through a couple places twice but that was cool, i saw little things that i didn't see the first time as i past through the second time. anyways, after strolling through the park i got bit hungry and chose to head towards quincy market. i saw on the travel channel, or the food network (one of those) that this was a great place to eat. so being the guy that loves food, i checked it out. i perused the choices and they all looked so good. they had almost everything from indian to chinese to greek to japanese. it was so hard for me to choose. so since i was in boston, i thought i would try to get something that i could not get in the bay area. so i thought the clam chowder in a sourdough bowl would be a great idea so i went for that. they had free samples and it was pretty good. i kinda chose that place because the first time i past it all the seats were filled and i kinda base how good a place is. but as soon as i ordered i noticed that hte lobster roll was what everyone was buying! anyways i was still pretty satisfied with my choice it was good and it helped my stomach settle what i had for breakfast at the hostel. i think the milk that i had with my cereal was the kind you have to reconstitute, like it started off as powder kinda milk. and the bagel i had was alright. i didn't really care too much for it. even thought it was a minibagel, i was only able to eat half of it. =/ eh, you can't win them all. anyways, back to the food at the quincy market. it was a good early lunch and i wouldn't mind going back there for another restaurant. so after that i was pretty fired up to explore some more and take more pictures. so i just wandered and made my way towards the aquarium. i didn't go there but was in the area. there was a nice veiw of the skyline, or part of it from where i was at. from there i cut inwards towards the shopping area. i consider it the shopping area because i all of a sudden saw places like footlocker, macy's, h&m, etc.. so i walked through there and found my self falling asleep. so i decided to look for a coffee place. the lines in the starbucks were outrageously long so i tried to look for a local place and just ended up at a dunkin doughnuts. the first thing that caught my eye was the dunkachino. wow that is hella good!! better than most of the expensive stuff at starbucks. anyways i got my second win and was just ready to take on more of boston. the dunkin donuts was right across the street from city hall which was conviently adjacent to the the quincy market. so i walked down to there and i found a statue of samuel adams =). that was pretty cool. and just to the left of him was an even bigger statue of ted danson! hahahah.. (boston, cheers, where everybody knows your name) so yeah that was kinda cool. i kept walking and i found a huge sign that said the union oyster house which is apparently america's oldest restaurant. so i plan to check that out later. more walking leads me to the part of town my friend is from, haymarket. so now i know where to go when i gotta meet up with him later. finally i make my way to the td banknorth garden where the boston bruins play. there was a train station there so i planned on making it to the area where im at now the boston public library. i didnt just stop by here to blogg, i ran out of battery on my camera and was desperately looking to charge it. to im here and there are a bunch of places im gonna get to as soon as my camera finished charging up. there is the trinity church, the prudential tower, the old south church, and so many others. so i dont waste any more time. it looks as if my camera is almost full and i should be on my way to more of boston. oo btw, this freaking library is super awesome. it has got to be my favorite library. if i could study anywhere i think that it would be here becase it is mega nice with internet and tables and its hella quiet. oo and the pic up top is of the library! cool windows and green lamps =)

chicago: day 4 and boston: day 1

so its the start of my 2nd day in boston. before heading out to the airport it was once again a lazy day at my aunt's house. we took pictures of all of us for me to show my mom and dad and to share at our reunion. my flight experience wasn't so bad yesterday. i arrived in boston yesterday like 8pmish and i used the train system to get to the hostel. i took the blue line to the green line supposedly to take me to an area close to my hostel. i ended up taking the wrong letter green line and riding the train back in the reverese direction. so i walk in the snow for a couple of blocks and get to the hostel. i check in and my room, wow. it was like moving into a dorm, filled with 6 people, in the middle of the semester. anyways i was restless and i took advantage of the outing signups they had in the lobby to go to a pub a couple blocks away. i met a bunch of australians and wow they can drink. after having a couple beers we tried to look for another place but of course on a sunday it was pretty dead everywhere. i was walking around the city with a bunch of strangers that i just met and it was pretty fun. we wanted to drink more because it was still pretty early but i was like, uh ok. so we head back and they start playing cards. i on the other hnd was pretty beat so i slept. and we come to right now which is the beginning of my 2nd day here in boston.

chicago: day 3

today was a totally chill day. it was spent getting to know my family in chicago a little bit better. being that it was a saturday and it was my vacation, we slept in and with much style. i woke up at like 1130am and everyone was up around that time or so. we had some breakfast (stuff like hash in eggs and bacon), watched monk and followed up with a good shoveling of snow out the driveway. oo i forgot to mention as i woke up, i had feeling it was gonna be snowing so i looked out the window and sure enough it was!! my first snowfall in chicago, it was quite an experience. any ways we shovels for about an hour or two. it was pretty deep. i would say nearly knee deep. there was about a foot on one of the car hoods. anyways we got back in the house afterwards and watched more tv. we got to watching anger management and click. we then finally decided to get something to eat. we head over to the asian restaurant near by and get a couple plates of some delish chinese gormet items. i have to say it was pretty good and greasy but it doesn't beat the asian food back in cali or HI. anyways after that, we see yes man.. great movie, i definitly wanna buy that one along with wall-e and trpoic thunder. we get back to the house and watch more tv and now its time for bed. so as you can see today was real chill and i think thats how my fam here is. its great to relax and just loath and watch tv and movies all day long. i gotta make my way back here this year when i get a chance. ok sleepy now. goodnight all..

chicago: day 2

so today, or should i say yesterday, was the last day of big luxury for my vacation because i had to check out of my hotel room which was just 2 blocks from the magnificent mile. it was a pretty prime location for me and was quite a good area for me to get around. i was able to do a little more sightseeing today as after i checked out of the hotel. i made my way to the skydeck of the sears tower and saw a different view of the city. it was spectacular to see the city from such a height. after that i kinda just walked around town. oo before i forget i also has a portillo's for a polish and a chicago dog. it was quite a breakfast. anyways to continue my sightseeing, i went to grant park to try and see the buckingham fountain but ended up just seeing a construction sight. it was frozen as hell and there was just nothing exciting to see at this time of year there. i was looking forward to seeing this fountain that reminds me of my childhood (the times i used to watch married with children). anyways it was getting time for me to head towards my aunt's work and i was getting kinda tired. so i pick my stuff up from the hotel, hit up the red line, transfered to the blue line and headed to towards the north west side. i end up at my aunts house and i just watched a couple movies.. so tired now. sleep time

chicago: day 1

wow.. hella long ass day today. so first of all i head out of SFO like 1230/ 1245 last night. the red eye was quite a good experience. my first flight was to minneapolis and i could hardly sleep. there was an autistic kid behind me that was quite erratic. when he was getting to his seat he smacked me in my head and i turned around. his mother apoligized to me and mentioned his illness. i completely understand just it wasn't the end of his unpredictable behavior. it was a bit difficult to sleep with his shreiks of high and low tones. he also continued to tap my head a couple more times. the flight was about 3 hours long and walking off the plane to my next flight was absolutly shocking. it was freezing, like walking into a freezer. my gate was super far away and i was tired by the time i reached it. this flight was about 2 hours long. as i slept fairly well and was satisfied with my seat selection. i was able to take up a whole row, in this case it was two seats and it was nice to have both of them. as we approached chicago, i looked out my window. it was amazing to see how dense the greater chicago area is. there were so many houses and all topped with snow. it was pretty cool to see. then maybe about a hundred yards from the where the tires of the plane met the pavement, there was something that just made my day. there was a whitecastle! so awesome, i can't wait to get some. stepping off the plane again i felt super cold. i walk through the terminal to the trains to the city. i end up taking the orange line into the city, into the famous transit loop. i get off and ride the red line to my hotel. the exit i took was the grand avenue exit and i end up at a place that i was meaning to hit up while i'm hear. there it is the weber grill restaurant. my friend at work mentioned to me the unique method of preparing food there and i was intrigued with it. so in most bbqs i have attended, the food is usually cooked on a grill and being the observant type, the brand of grill i mainly see is weber. so this place must be pretty good because i love bbq. i hear that they even cook pizzas on the grill. so i need to hit that up. i stood in the cold right in front of that place for a good ten minutes or so just to figure out where i needed to be. so i head down state to ontario where my hotel is. on my way to my hotel i pass by the famous magnificent mile. it was filled with nice shops and brand name stores that i would absolutly go wild for if i had more money. but i had a destination that i just needed to get to first so i don't roll around town with my luggage. i walk into the lobby of the fairfield inn and wow. marriott has stepped it up in their interior design. it was super trendy with the color changing mood lighting and the led tickers with inspiring quotes. hahaha.. anyways i drop my stuff off and head back out into the city to explore. i was starving so i had asked the front desk clerk for a reccomendation for breakfast. she lead me to the west egg cafe. ooo that was some good chorizo. hit the spot before i hit the city up. i walked up and down michigan avenue. i went as far north as the beginning of the north lake shore area and ended up down to the ice skating rink at the millenium park. it was quite a journey. i stopped by places like the apple store and niketown just to warm up for a moment. i started my touristy kinda stuff at the john hancock tower and was able to get beautiful veiws of the city. my admission to the tower came along with my purchase of the city pass. which means i have alot more sightseeing to do tomorrow. but to continue with the john hancock tower, it was just spectacular. i was 94 storys up in the air and wow it was quite high. there was one thing that kinda freaked me out though. as i was coming up to a window i put my hand up the little frame part, a baseball size peice of ice falls. thats 94 stories down! o man super scary. anyways i ended up talking to this quite redhead that works their and i finding out the crackin places in town. after the tower i kinda went on a photo spree talking pics of just whatever i saw. walking down michigan, i passed the two water tower dealy things, a couple famous churches, the chicago tribune tower, the chicago river, a couple museums and millenium park. woo i was tired after all that walking. and i was walking in my timberlands. my ankles were killing me. so i ended up taking the train back to the hotel. i checked in and knocked out. i slept from like 430ish to like 9pm. i headed out like 930 to get me some pizza. i know that deep dish was just calling my name. there was this place i remember passing by called pizzaria due on the way to the hotel from the train stop. unfortunately the deep dish takes a while to bake. so i sat and waited for that goodness. i had that with some beer, it was heavenly. i was still a bit anxious and wanted to stay out so i ended up at a place called rockit bar and grill. i got me a couple drinks and watched the gators and sooners game. it was pretty exciting. gators win and my focus was on the ladies in the place. but i was just not feeling the crowd. there were cute white girls but i was just ready to knock out. so i walked back and been chillin since. so tired now. must sleep. day one, done.. its in the books. now i better rest up because i wanna hit up the museum, planetarium, aquarium and other places tomorrow. good night world..

happy new year!!

so its a new year and i feel like i celebrated it in a way that was quite unusual for me. i did enjoy the company i had and was entertained with the alcoholic beverages and company, but i felt unsatisfied. there was something missing this year that i just did not really feel. i know this is the part where i say i miss my girlfriend, but what if it wasn't her. what if i was missing something more significant, more complex, or even more simple? well nonetheless i felt like i was missing something. why did i choose to hang out with my homeboy instead of my other cute ass homegirls?!? boggles my mind.. well my initial logic made lots of sense because my journey back home was like 5 stop signs. which made for a much safer and risk free night for me. i did drink but i really sobered up with the whole night being a "blur". i remembered everything but it was just kinda "fuzzy" because it didn't strike me as a defining moment in my life. it was as if coming into the year 2009 was another day, no real signifigance... so the new year begins, and my life needs to come together much more organized and planned (that's what i plan to do at least).. i have made a decision to make the whole ex-girlfriend thing as a low priority. there are so many other things that i want to experience and i feel as i am holding back because of my feelings.. my heart needs to let go so i can explore and do new and excitng things. i know its hard to do but saying it is the first step. i have this trip to chicago and boston coming up and i am very excited to see life outside the bay. i have been meaning to take this kind of trip for a while and am looking forward to everything. this coming new year seems like it is going to be filled with many new and crazy adventures. i just feel like with all the new friends i am making and the reconnections i have been meaning to follow up on have given me somewhat of a second win almost. its great to say goodbye to 2008. there were so many things that happened that just affected my life in so many ways, there are just too many to mention. alright so i can start off the new year right, i just hope i can get a good night's sleep for once. goodnight world and i wish everyone in my life a great and wonderful new year. i love you guys.. for real no joke i do.. thank you for everything =)