tired and sore..

well i have been doing so much to keep my insane together. i just got the bomb dropped on me this monday from my mom that my dad is in possible jeopardy with his job at kaiser. now i don't just have to worry about my mom being out of a job but now i am worried about my dad as well. to escape from all this drama that makes my go crazy, i decide to stay out of my house. i know that the problem doesn't go away but i at least don't have to face the reality that i am living in. i feel so much pressure coming from them but its not their fault. the economy is what is driving my stress. i want to do so much like go out do things like take motorcycle classes, go to bars, visit museums, watch movies but i can't really. there is nobody to go with. all my friends are broke and some don't have jobs. i have no girlfriend, nor do i think i need one, and i have no one to spoil. all i do is work out, exercise and mope around, making my life as miserable as i can. i need something. there is something missing in my life that just makes whole and i hope its not what i let go. as much as it hurt her, letting her go may have cost me a whole mess of emotions that is harming my health. hmm.. i tried, it took a long while but i tried, no response. its just sad. i hope what i need in my life comes soon because i am literally deteriorating from all this stress in my life. currently in my cd player is an old cure CD. the album disintegration is just extremely depressing and is one of the best albums put together that i have heard. its helping me release some emotions that need a out. i cry to the song "pictures of you" and it just is something that describes what i do in my room when im alone. its so depressing looking at them, its so sad that our relationship ended. we're not even freinds anymore. she is disgusted to see my face. i cant even be several feet away from her. forgiveness and 2nd chances. i tried, but its not what she wants. i don't know what she wants. i don't know what i want. our lives are just is opposite directions. as i chase what her, with intent of gaining a friend back, she runs away with disgust and anger and animosity. it hurts and knowing her, she will hold on to those feelings and not give them up. i try and may try again beacause she is special. although she may think that i may not want her in my life, i really do. its complicated to explain. i want her in my life but not as my significant other. she had that position and it disappeared when things she decided to do those unspeakable things. my body needs rest.. from the stress i bring upon myself and the stress of life itself.