day off..

the big day off to chi-town is coming up and i am getting kinda excited. i this wont be the first trip i'd be taking alone but this might as well be because i don't have someone that would probably be hella interested in hearing about my trip. but yes, stop being sad buddy. its a vacation!!! haha.. ok now i have a lot of things to do today as far as errands. i feel super good about having all these things to do and not having the anxiety of worrying about someone else. i have been feeling this whole single thing but still have my moments. its going to be hard getting back on track as a single guy and i feel like i have so much to do. i have been on this whole tip of thinking on talking things out with my ex. i know she probably doesn't want to hear from me at all but i think i need to get some things off my chest before i move on with my life. whether what i have to say to her makes our relationship tolerable, mututal, or unacceptable, unpleasant, or even significant, i feel like i must tell her my feelings. the entire truth never hit her ears. i'm the bad guy no matter what. what i did, according to my friends, is what happens and i need to move on. this i just can't seem to move on. there have been many other women that have come through my life in the past couple months and i dont think its something i can handle. my body says go for it but my heart stops me from making stupid bad choices. but then again i think that sometimes these stupid bad choices aren't stupid to begin with. maybe they are just acts of fate, trying to put in the right direction with the right people. hmmm.. ok well i need to be running errands now i have a busy ass day off and only have so much strength and will power to do it all before i start work once again..

oo and this video made me smile the other day =)

3am..

weird ass day for real. i began my day with the feeling of content being alone. as my day progressed i received some texts and talked to several friends of mine. i know from the last time i talk to my homegirl from work she said she wanted to kick it with some other coworkers. so we exchanged texts all day to see what we would do. we ended up in the mission, going to medjool on their sky terrace. it was beautiful. there was a great view of the san fran skyline. it made me want to consider staying in the bay area. well anyways, all while we were kicking it at medjool i was getting texts from another homegirl of mine. she is an old classmate from grammar school and we recently been kicking it more often. she is super cute.. i mean like wow.. anyways she has been hitting me up but i am actually totally sure she does not dig me. i guess she likes that i don't wanna get in her pants. i think i am only acting this way because i can't open up to people yet and it just plain old sucks ass.

this is what i want to say to you:

i miss you. why does everybody say, "i know its hard."? fuck yeah its hard! can't i miss someone?! its like i have to forget about her. i should live a life without remembering her. fuck that shit, she means alot to me and i just cant do that.

i miss you. i really do. my heart is out for you to take or to break. i have decided to expose myself to you knowing very well of the consequences. you have literally permeated my memory to a point where i can forget about you. everypart of my life you continue to communicate to me. if you don't want me in your life anymore please tell me so i can be...

loveless...

It has really been a hard past couple months. You know when people say to you, “Yeah, the first time is always hard.” Yeah, its freaking hard. It was reiterated in pretty much all the movies that I have seen the past couple of days.

In the 40 year old virgin, that one coworker was not over his girlfriend and it was 2 whole years from the time he broke up with her. It makes me think, is that going to happen to me? Am I going to weep over her for the next couple years of my life?

Or is it going to sound a lot like the ending of 2 days in Paris, is she going to fade out of my life?

This movie 2 days in Paris really gave me perspective on things in my life. I really thought about the part where they say to each other that they don’t know each other. I was with that women for 6 years of my life. Did I know her?

Sadly I don’t think I did get to know her. What happened at the leg of our relationship flipped my view of how she was. She was not the type of person to do those things to me. She was not her at all. She tried and tried to be was she was in our “honeymoon” phase. But something happened. I still don’t know what it is, but it really messed up our relationship. In that “honeymoon” phase she was herself. She didn’t hold back. She was in control of what she wanted out of a relationship with me and I was happy being with her. Me personally, I was happy as well but I think the best way to describe my mindset was “ignorance is bliss”. Simply I did not know what I wanted in my life. I found purpose in being with her. She gave me purpose. She was my everything and only thing. I think that became my problem and I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. Til this day, I still don’t know who I am. I have progressed though. I am not saying I’m happy that I am progressing in this light, but I guess that what life has called for me. Anyways im super stuffed and hella want to sleep. I got work early so I’ll try to write more another night. Good night world, I love you…

winter..

it has arrived.

well its been here and it sucks. it literally sucks. i say this because this cold weather is sucking the life out of me. the cold combined with the depression of this guilt i hold makes me so drained.

but to keep my spirits high, i feel like i have been making new friends fast and i seem to be having a great time just living it up as such. i drink to offset the cold i feel and spend time with people to get my mind off the whole ex-girlfriend thing. i know i seem to talk about it all the time with everyone i kick it with but i think that i am slowly letting go. its hurting to do so but i know its really helping more than anything.

i have been reading up on being alone and i find that i have plenty of soul searching to do. not so much as to looking for a siginificant other, but more along the lines of finding my soul. she was right when she said that i never found myself. i think i became so selfless that i could not provide the love needed to keep the relationship together. i never loved myself and was destroying our relationship as a result. i need to know what i want for me. i need to love me. i need to see me. its very complicated. i still find myself following the same pattern with my family and friends but i seem to be getting the idea of being selfish. its hard to do that because that is something not in my character. but it seems like a good direction to go. for starters, i didn't blab this blog so much about others in my life (or not in my life). its a start, i have to start somewhere. it feels pretty good to do so too. i have a life and i am feeling good about it for the first time in the past couple of months. i have freinds that call me up, i have a job that i am thankful for, i have what i need to succeed in whatever i may run into. hmm.. so i really like where my life is going and i think i am just slowing moving forward in my life. i have been standing still for the past couple months but i'm moving..

can't wait..

thursday is the day.. my last final for the semester and i can't wait till i hand in that test. i need this time off to just relax, evaluate and think about my life ahead of me. its been so hectic that i have not even had time to stop and think about the date. its friggin decemeber already!! time has been flying. days have no real signifigance to me. they used to.. now that i have started my life as just me, its been weird. difficult for sure. so much runs in my crazy mind that sometimes i just loose it. like today i felt like i was on crack. literally, i was shaking, my heart was racing, i could not keep still. i guess that what i get for drinking monster. its absolutly craziness. anyways i wanted to write about the last thing i did in my speech class for this semester. so before we entered speech class, i was all tweaked out on monster and a wreck from putting together our project. so we do our project (score! we got an A!) and we finish the class with a free write. first she tells us to put a number on a peice of paper. i picked 7. then she tells us to write for ten minutes straight. to put down our current thoughts and feelings and random stuff we have going on in out life. no surprise what i ended up writing about. yup... well anyways the number we wrote down represented number of years. she wanted us to put the peice of paper in an envelope and mark it the number of years later from today. i wonder what my life would be like in that many years? who will i be spending my life with? what job will i have? what city would i be living in? itll definitely be weird to read that in 7 years from now. i poured my feeling out on that peice of paper. it was filled with so much anger, frustration and sadness. that pretty much sums up my current life. mainly frustrated. i have just been a wreck trying to find out what i want for myself. what i want it life. ifi want a girlfriend, if i wanna live in the bay area, if i need to change my life to feel again. all this and more is in my head right now. hmm.. well i need to just suck it up and live my life. and chase that paper...

i do it to myself...

i am seriously killing myself slowly with these obsession to know what is going on im her life. why do i keep her on my buddy list on my ichat? i dunno to make yourself feel terrible for what you did to her?! face it justin she doesn't love you any more. she has moved on and wants a life with another cute boy that can talk her ear off. i never could do that. i was just the cute guy that gave her the world but with not much to say. what i did have to say was not as significant to her though. she didn't appreciate my incompetant conversation on cartoons and stupid shit. she wanted sophisticated, complex, deep conversation. with the mind that i have, i could never amount to the type of person that she wants. ever. she is so needy. when we were together, she would literally tell me to entertain her! so i tried my best and she was obviously bored out of her mind with me. thats why she looked to other means of finding that fix. face it, she needs other people in her life. as much as she says that she is an independent woman, she is someone that requires lots of attention. i gave as much as i could to her. yet with all i gave was not enough. i would travel to her side of the bay multiple times a week to see her, i would pick her sister up from school when all her family members were busy, i would help her family with their church events, i would fall asleep for hours in my car waiting for her to open her door at her house so i dont wake her family up, i sacrificed so much. why does this hurt so much? i badly want to speak with her but u know she is avoiding me. i know for the first two months she was missing me like crazy. i was as well but too wrapped up in the mindset of "i should of done this a long time ago". now i regret what i said and am sad and lonely this holiday season. she made my day with her cute smile and beautiful eyes. she was the literaly "the apple of my eye". my heart drops everytime i think about her not being in my arms. its hitting me now. i remeber the day i let her go. it was numb. no feelings. no releif. no pleasure. no pain. just numb. i remember i was in a state of uncertainty, but now i am leaning towards regret and sadness. do i talk to her? if i do, should i after the holidays? will she still feel for me the way she once did? will i? hmm.. in these times of hardship i turn to God, and i pray. i have been praying everyday for her. i pray that she is safe and happy with whatever life she lives. i pray the same for myself, but i seem to find no answer to any of my prayers. life is rough, i dig and i find dirt that i don't want to see. its too late for me to take that back, i have seen too much and it has once again changed my veiw on my life choice. her words hurt and its only fair for her to give such recourse. my life is oh so confused and i dont know where i'm going. i have no purpose, expect myself. i don't think i ever found worth in myself. i think that maybe the problem in me. i need to be me and love me before i can give again. because i think the way our relationship played out, i never really knew what i wanted. i appreciated the love and that was all i needed from her. i guess i need more. she needed more and i couldn't give it to her. she wanted that fire and excitement of conversation. i could love without it. if our relationship was based on communication without words, i think we would be alright but she needed that stimulation. hmm.. i'm not that guy for her i guess. i gave as much as i could, the world and more. i hesitated to commit because of this and because i was i just pressured. she has a plan. i have a feeling. she had that feeling before me and i could not deal with not being on the same level. its hard when we're on different levels. she still means a lot to me and i think that is my problem right now. i have too much on my mind about her that i can't focus on other things in my life. i just need to slow my roll in life and find what i want, find satisfaction in me. find that i am a great person, that i love myself. Lord i hope i find that....

i know this is really dumb but there when we broke up, "broke up", it was kind of ignited by the movie Last Kiss with Zach Braff. there was this song in the movie that was oh so sad and just made me feel super terrible. i know this sounds bad, but i just kept listening to it the past couple days although it reminded me of us splitting. its like i have this unconscious feeling of "letting go, wanting to feel free from her grasp". she still holds my heart and i feel like i need something that can help me cry it out or just get it out of my system. she was my first and only kiss. i cant say the same for her. so now i start crying at the end of this damn post.... sorry, the words last kiss.. i cant stand it, i will never get it from her... i cry because i miss her.. and want closure or continuation. i don't know what i want i just want this void in my heart to go away, because its affecting everything in my life right now. my emotions for her, affect how i study, how i look at my hobbies, my interests, everything. she is still in my life... so yeah that song i was talking about its very intense for a slow and soft song. the artist is imogen heap and the song is "hide and seek".

update..

been hard to live my life as i used to. there is no substitute for the one i loved. i say the one i loved, because i feel everyday, my feelings for her fade. the one thing that gets me is that i feel like she is just talking shit about me to everyone. like i was the biggest jerk in the world and that just hurts so freaking much. was i now really? was i that bad of a significant other that you would have to bad mouth me to strangers and friends of ours? hmmm.. as fucked up as what you did to me was, i still tell everyone that its hard to not be with you. what is wrong with me, you get over me easier and i'm stuck with the guilt of letting you go? life sucks and sometimes i just wish i would find a rebound. there are plenty of women out there that i see fairly often but i am just not ready yet. how the hell does she do it? its as if she was a machine and she erased me out of her life so quickly and easily. i know that things will end up falling in place but this is just getting hard to deal with. i also hate talking to my dude friends, they just dont help at all. they have shown me the best way to get over this thing is to hook up with someone else. i just think to myself, is that really going to make things better? i think about my life as a single person and its shitty. i don't think i can do the dating thing really. i'm the kinda guy that does better with relationships. although relationships require much more work i feel i can do that better. when i hooked up with her, it was like majik. it was as if we fast forwarded to the part where we say i do before the season changed. its just sad to that we aren't together anymore. she meant the world to me and now i dont think she knows that anymore.

i know what im saying is probably all one sided but i feel like her side is much different. she probaby went through this stage already and i never responded to her as she was going through this rough time. i have been focused on what i thought i needed in my life, which was clarity in my goals outside of having a relationship. as much as she thinks this whole breakup thing was the co-worker deal, its totally not. i liked her and all but my ex was just wrapped up in too much drama. she thinks i need some scandalous shit done back to her because of her actions. whatever, i just wanted out of a relationship with someone that clearly didn't want what i had to offer. i hate life. i'm totally in a quarterlife crisis. she is just.. i don't know... and its just absolutly messing with my head. like she is no longer part of my life but everything that i go through in life reminds me something of her. i need parts of my brain erased and this just erks the shit out of me. AHHHH!!!!