thanksgiving...

this thanksgiving has got to be the saddest thanksgiving i have ever had. first of all i had to work today and it was not pleasant to have to work on a day that should be spent with loved ones. work was expected but knowing i dont have to be there, meaning i could be off and getting paid for it, would have been sweet. so after work i waited for my brother to get off work at 5. he would come back home and we would be off to castro valley for thanksgiving. 5 rolled around and my brother was not answering my moms calls. i was let at home and still at home alone. its hard knowing that at this moment i could be spending this time with some i love. i cant help but beat myself up over leaving her. i prayed this morning and gave god thanks for giving me such a wonderful life. what made my life wonderful was the experience of love. i believe the love is still there but just not working in the way we want it to. i feel as if we are praying and loving each other but with no recognition. i am truly thankful for everything i have given.. love is what i am most thankful for. love from friends and family and love from "you know who"....

sleepless...

there has not been one night where i have had a good nights sleep this past couple months. its insame to be running on such amount of sleep. the reasons i dont get enough sleep is because i either go out and drink my sorrows or it because i just think about her. even when i dont know it, she is there. my life is miserable. i go out and there is nothing. no feeling like being with her. its amazing that i am able to just type right now. im so tired of being tired and i am just disgusted with myself sometimes. i look at myself and i am not the guy i wanted to be. i hav become a monster and i have no clue where i actually went. its hard being alone. i just leave my body and it follows what everyone else does and says it should do. it not being controled by my heart. if it was i would have attempted to mend the broken heart of the real love of my life. but what is it in the back of my mind? its the thought that she is out there with other men messing around and loving it. i hate life... i must attempt to sleep now so i can go on with another pointless day. why am i living? its so sad, i feel as if i have no purpose...

i miss my turon...

dream..

it seems as if i have not been able to dream lately but last night i had one. usually i get 4 to 5 hours and last night i had prolly about 7 hours. before falling asleep all i could think about if how my ex if doing. i miss her o so dearly. in my dream it was me and her, and we were happy just spending time together. we end up having sex and it was just as i remember it. does this mean that our relationship was mainly about the sex? it was like every time we got together we were just messing around. when we first got together nearly 6 years ago, i had no intentions to do such things with this woman. knowing she was such a strong catholic beliver lead me to believe we would not be in such a situation. it was about 2 months we were in the relationship and she grabed my hand and guided it to her warm and waiting crotch. we were watching the lord of the rings and i remember it was like 10 15 minutes into it and she was just wanting it. that movie was hella long so i could not stop because that was exactly what i was after. but i realy liked her and wasn't forward, i was trying to be the gentleman. but wow from that moment we were like rabbits almost. we did a lot of kinky stuff and it was great. then after a while i was just doing it becaue she was feening. my drive diminished as our relationship progressed. don't get me wrong i love it but probably not as much as her. i pleasured her and made sure she enjoyed it, essentially i made sure she came first. and i guess when i continued to do that it became somewhat of a race to make pleasure =). but really i feel =( because i can no longer... hmm.. well yeah only in dreams.

flipping a coin..

i feel as if my life lies in the flip of a coin. chance. i have no clue what to do with this coming month. it is a very important month for my ex and all i can think of is her. its now been about 80 days since i last saw her. i've spoke to her a couple time but in rage or of business matters. my presence to her is dead now. it is too late to get her attention and tell her how i'm feeling. i have made attempts to talk to her friends but i just haven't had the balls to mention how i'm actually feeling. i so badly wanna tell them i mis her and i trully am dying inside. i know i put myself in this position but i am seriously just suffering. its like ive been drowning in guilt. one side of me is just glad i told her how i was feeling and just relived to be free to do as i please. the other side is just dying inside, missing her badly. its like every hour of everyday since i last saw her is a flip of that coin. one minute i'll be hella kuwawa and shit and just down in the dumps for not staying with her. then the next minute i'm relaxed and calm because of the freedom of living my life the way i want to. i guess i could say i was living the same way when i was with her. one minute i was so incredibly happy to be with this beautiful woman of great kindness and love. then i just think about that morning... it ruins my day. being with her and dealing with that thought was managable but it was not going to leave my head. it pretty much traumatized me. when i wasn't with her, my imagination runs wild with thoughts of infidelity and deciet. the mind is so complex and when it comes to love it just gets insanely unbarable. i realized that i was living a life of denile. it was eating at me that i didn't dump her right then and there when it happened. it was just that thing called love that drove me to insanity. i was able to just deal with the fact that she continued to talk to the guy. evene after she fucked him twice, which was twice too many. i was so blind and naive. i was such a doormat, and thought that doing so would fix the relationship. hmmmm... well the coin continues to flip and i'm still going crazy. someone just take that coin away from me!!!

re evaluation time...

this past couple of months have been supposed to be dedicated to re evaluating my feelings for my ex and finding out what i really need and want. if i want a relationship? if i do get into a relationship do i want it with her? its been a lot of just thinking about hooking up lately and i have not been thinking long term. when i try to holler at a girl, the first thing that comes to mind is if i see her in m future. not really how her ass is so fucking nice or her tits are catch my eye. as much as i really want to get back with her, i wanna see what my options out there are. i think matthew perry put it in a good way. i think he said something along the lines of that there are many miss perfects but its a matter of running into them. hmmm.. anyways it way too late to be up right now. insomnia is a bitch..

super funny show...

so one of the things to keep my mind off of my love life is watching tv series on the internet. i was trying to stray away from family guy so i could watch a little more mature programming but i ended up watching the show "its always sunny in philidelphia". wow that show is messed up, but i continue to watch it! hahaha.. anyways this episode has to be the best one so far:

change..

change has come and in the form of our new president elect barack obama. i am very excited and the thought had flew over my head this morning because of the freezing cold weather here. 30's in daly city? wow.. anyways, change is coming..

home...

so i since i moved back home there have been a few things that i am just not used to just yet.

so my family has hella cars. so there are 5 cars and we have a tandem garage with another space in the driveway. that makes 3 spaces for the five cars. one would think since we live in a suburb parking would not be a problem but no, that is completely false. my family has accumulated so much shit that one whole space in our garage is taken up by crap. another space is a car that we used to use but just don't anymore since the transmission gave out. so that make s two spots. so essentially the driveway is a only dedicated spot of ours. even at that though, if someone parks right in front of it, we need to move cars around to get out. oo wait the reason why im up this freaking early is street cleaning. wtf right. this pissed me off. i thought i was supposed to sleep in but no. that is not happening because i was woken up by the freezing cold i had to drive around finding parking!

well anyways, i had a breif dream before being awoken to move my car. for some strange reason i woke up with my phone in my hand but i was slipping in and out of sleep. so in my dream i receive a text from my crush. im like wtf its hella early in the morning. the text read: "i wanna flirt. btw ur hot. heheh.." it was weird but wow. i totally wish that text was real. i wake up and find there were no texts.. hmmm.. anyways i must take a dump right now. good night world once again.

talk about posting later..

so yeah that weekend was a crazy and just so long ago. i feel as if my life is in slow motion when i want it to be in fast forward and vice versa. so that day of the christening was just all weird. well i think i just started to get tired after talking about picking up my sister from japantown, so i think i will pick up from there. so i pick my sister up and we head to the mall. so being totally on the ball, i buy a card for my cousin's kid. being in the rush i was in i hella get one where it looks like i'm a god parent. anyways, i hope my cousin and his lady didn't read that card too in depth and paid attention to the cash. from there we head to starbucks were i thought i was gonna get something that would wake my ass up. being the naturally drug tolerant person i was totally unaffected from my venti black tea with 5 pumps of hazelnut syrup. hmmm. so from there we go to pleasanton to my cousin's place then to my other cousin's place. luckily food was there and i was starving. i see my cousin from NY was doing well and all of us were just catching up with our lives. the drinking began and we just knocked out. it was cool seeing my fam and all but u just felt sort of just lost. the same feeling i get when i know i am missing something. i felt as if my ex was running through my head. she always is. its really taking a toll on me psychologically and i just get better on some days and worse on others. so we eat, we drink, we laugh, we play games and just knock out. nothing all that exciting.

we get up the next morning and just get ready. i was kinda feeling outta place. i felt as if we are all in different stages of our lives. and we just are not like we used to be. we weren't kids anymore. i felt we had a good time but just not as much as we used to. i trully love my cousins to death but it was sadly just kinda whatever to me. so we got ready and headed to the church. of course, with all the churches in the area, we end up in a place that is super familiar to me. it was the church my ex's cousin got married at. it brought back a lot of memories to me. i remember the wedding was on a friday afternoon. we were still in santa cruz and we were all dolled up. i had my lauren suit on and she had that awesome bright green dress that made her glow. she was looking for pretty, it was absoluty beautiful. we took pics and we were so cute. i had a matching tie and everything. so yeah, after class that day, we leave to san ramon and make it to the actual wedding about an hour too late =/. but we aririved nonetheless. we made an effort and just felt kinda brushed off my her fam. whatever though, we knew we tried. so yeah, that church was the same one. as i was sitting in the church waiting until the service started i looked around and saw a couple familiar faces at the families of the other babies. there was this couple i don't know too well but i have been acquainted with them on a couple occasions. these occasions just so happen to be with my ex and her car club. so yeah the chick was like looking at me every 2 minutes. i was feeling a lil uncomfortable but i tried not to let it bother me. she was there along with her man who i have met once or twice i beleive. anyways yeah that brought up more things in my mind that day. the entire time i was at the church i was just thinking in my mind all to myself. i was ver distant with many of the my family because all i could think about was the situation i was in. my mind was bouncing off the walls in that church and i was just glad to have left there. so from there, we headed to the reception and just did the party thing. started off with helping set up the hall. there were these cute cross and communion wafer white chocolate lollipop dealies that had sad something about christenings. i don't remember that all too much because i ate them waiting to eat that awesome catered filipino food. yeah so that sisig was money and the lechon was great. so it got me thinking about christenings and i remembered my mom and dad met at a christening. hmmm. love found at a family function. my mom was invited by a coworker to his son's christening and there was where my dad found my mom and just never stopped loving her. it makes me sad to think i thought i found love. well lemme reword that, love is something that can be found when you least expect it. i did find it, and it is absolutly wonderful. but in the mess that life throws at us, we can lose it. i have not yet found that in the relationship between myself and my ex. i have no words to really say to her. the words that i do have, i don't know if i should tell her just yet. but yes, christenings. it was just a sunday filled with family and loved ones. it was nice to be away from work and see these wonderful people in my life. reality hit me as we left the party. it was study time.

monday i had work but afterwards, i was in that library studying my ass off. after that i headed to my place to sleep in the empty apartment that i miss o so much. im blogging in the discomfort of my cold ass room my dad built last month. well the practical came and went and i was just off to the lirary after that test. it was nonestop studying and packing of little thngs. thursday rolls around, i take my exam and head to the apartment for more cleaning. it was just so exhausting and i was just so ready to just leave the place dirty as hell. anyways, work rolls around and it consumes my weekend. i felt as if i did nothing but work... it was haloween but it was pretty insignificant this year. i drank and forgot some of it. i have just been drinking to help with this depression but it just maked me numb for that moment. hmmm

soo tired though. goodnight world