whisper..

hella feeling the song "whisper"by ernie halter. the lyrics are how i feel when im all alone. its basically about how i feel like i made a mistake with my break up. and how i wish god can whipser in her ear, i want her back. my life is in such a see saw. at one point i can be at a high then at a low and im essentially stationary when im in this up and down motion. i need to go places, meet people and get oof this damn see saw. i want to see the world, live life with no regrets. when i think about this song i just feel like im gonna stay on this see saw. but i know i will got over this. i have a direction and just need a little push and i think i have been getting that push from all my friends and family. i love them for it and and truly thankful i have them in my life. don't get me wrong, i love my ex to death but i just need some me time.. and maybe a little me and someone else new time =/

trouble...

it was saturday night, and i went out to the club. temple in SF to be exact to celebrate my cousin's birthday. she was having an awesome time when i arrived, her and her man. she had bottle service and when we were leaving, she headed to the atm for some cash, as she attempted to get cash out, some chick behind her was hella complaining. apparently, this chick, swung at my ate and fell. as a result of the fall, her boyfriend punched my cousin's man. he bgan to bleed and that's all i know. i stayed with my cousin and her man the rest of the night to settle things out. my cousin and her boyfriend were about to her charged battery and was to spend some time in jail. hella dumb for nothing. luckily our cousin in law has been a cop for ages and was able to help us out. i called him us and he let his buddy know the deal. so we were able to go home that night instead of a jail cell. wtf right? her birthday didnt end the way she wanted to but at least she was able to go home. so the whole night my ate was trying to hook me up with her friend kelly and it was her birthday too. damn! she was so damn cute, i wanted to tell her that too. i felt hella bad she had to pay on her birthday!! i was like girl, why you paying?!?! anyways she has my coat and my dumbass told m cousin she has it. i look like a dick asking for it back now. wow. super dumb. anyways thats my night, and i don't have to sleep in my car to get ready for work this time.. goodnight world..

i hope with the laws of attraction, a fine women comes my way...

friday night...

so as you can all see its friday night.. and what am i doing? staying in, drunk.. im so depressed and sad. im alone, nobody to kick it with, talk to or anything. all i have is this blog and the internet. wtf is wrong with me. i really shouldn't have drank but whatever. it triggers something in me to flow my emotions out much much better than when im sober. i read my blog when im sober, and im like,"wow, j-----, you express yourself very well when ur drunk!" hahaha.. anyways yeah this week has been a crazy one.. let's see, monday was filled with focus because tuesday was my first lecture exam which i hope i did well in. tuesday was cool. i took the test, no real suprise, it was difficult but fair. then i finished up my paper for speech and went to speech. after that i got a call from my homies to kick it at bj's. happy hour!! half off mini pizzas and we had beer! smashed is all i gotta say about that happy "hour". afterwards we went to mty place and drank more. wow, on a tuesday night. anyways it was all good because prior to walking into bj's, i called in sick to work! =) because of journey on wednesday night! so awesome. arnel pineda is my hero! he is such a great singer, better than steve perry! hahaha.. anyways yeah that night was my cousins bday. swung by her place, headed to sushi for dinner, then journey!! it was a good night. i left the concert drunk as hell. i ended up texting up my ex's friend, also my friend but not really. i just told her that i was drunk and that i still cared for my ex... bad idea, yes, but whatever. its done. thursday was unproductive as shit, i went to class, lab, oo had cadaver preveiw, then headed home for an unproductive ass time on my couch. napping, watching tv, blah blah bs bs.. anyways i woke at like 8 and got a call from my homie. went to his place and kicked it, drank, blah blah... friday, work, dinner, drank and here i am drunk.. a significant part of this week was probably my dream i had last night. i was drunk, in the rear of my old car. it was a crx, hatchback with a chick i went to grade school then college with (fine as hell might i add) and i just chillin as my homeboy drove us home. as he was driving us home, ended up feeling up on her leg. i made my way up to her wet pussy, i was hella horny and so was she. as i started to grope her warm crotch, she took her panties off, a red thong. i started to use my tongue starting from in the inner thighs working my way up to her wet pussy. my finger was exploring her and she was just enjoying my presence. my tongue moved up to her clit and she was just quivering with pleasure. her smooth brown skin was like an ocean of chocolate and i wanted eat it all up. she tasted so good. but enough about that i should knock out and hope she's there again! haha.. goodngiht world.

although i'm alone, i still stand...

if...

it is such a powerful word. there are a million things flowing through my mind when i think of this word. at this point in my life, "if" is giving me sleepless nights, pounding heartaches, and just anxiousness. its like it pushes me to do something but i just dont follow through. my life has for real been a roller coaster of emotions the past month. at about 8pm, i received a call from my former significant. i don't answer, i panic, my heart pounds, what would i say? voicemail. i call it. she's gotten into a car accident. my heart races even more. i'm at work, i put calling her back for like 10 minutes. i think about what i would say. in her voicemail she just askes if she should take aleve or advil. what a question to ask me. she could have easily asked her mom, or someone more qualified. she probably knows what to get but she calls me to inform me of her accident. in my mind in thinking,"its been exactly 4 weeks since i broke the news to her, what a way to mark the day you changed your life and hers.." im in this surreal dream thinking of how much an ass i look like. i love this girl, o so much. im so torn between concern for how she's feeling physically and how she is feeling emotionally. secretly i have been looking at her blog posts and away messages. i had a feeling she did get into one, but was afraid of what i was getting into. i feel as if prayer is the only way i can reach her. it seems as if she had turned to god for support because none of her or our friends have given that to her. i really wanna talk to her, ask her how's she's feeling, if she's eaten, how her class is doing, etc..

if...

if those unfortunate events last summer never happened..
would i have changed..
would she have changed..
would the world be the same..
if i never spoke what i felt about our relationship..
what would become of our relationship..
so many "if"s....

in a drunken stuper...

so im drunk.. not like i wanna trhow up drunk but drunk, and i wanna talk ur ears off drunk. i am so drunk i wanna start another blog and email. one that i can share and not be ashamed of for all the moronic things i'd done. we'll i think i will start a new one just for a blog i dont need to hide.

...

funny how i feel the same way...

Kanye West "Love Lockdown"

Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
Im in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, til its over love
Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin no no no, no no
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but cant escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else dont have to know


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose


Im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I cant keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I cant keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when Im on my own
Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone
How many times did it take til I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to go
No more wastein time, we cant wait for life
which is wastin time, wheres the finish line


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose


Im not lovin you, the way i wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
No I said im through, but got love for you
But im not lovin you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin, keep the lovin goin
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
Am I into you, baby im confused
You choose, you choose
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to
Way I got to go, I dont need you
I been on this road, too many times before
I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to


So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose

recurring dream..

so i left my place hella early this morning so i would have good parking at work. i get to work a little more that an hour before i start and i take a little nap before i go in. pretty standard morning for me except i was actually able to fall into a deep enough sleep to dream. it was pretty much the same dream that i have been having the past couple weeks. this time i encountered my ex in the bedroom and she was no different from how anytime i've seen her. in all honesty she is not like a mega super hottie, but she is a beautiful woman. i was immediatly attracted to her in my dream. i didn't focus on her breasts or butt, but more her face. she said, "please forgive me, i love you and you know it. i know you love me too. why can't we be together?" in my dream i said how i actually feel about her and that is that i feel like i made a mistake and i did want her back. but i know that i still can't get over what happened and i just need to forget her. anyways to continue with the dream, we end up being all lovey dovey and just go about our day like nothing the past couple weeks had happened. among the regular things we would do when we had time together was sex. as the day progress so did my horniness. the last time she came over my place, we had sex and i was just whatever about it. i feel hella bad about how i broke up with her. i just feel like i broke her heart and it's all i think about. so throughout the dream it was a major love session. all i did while we were doing it was look at her beautiful face. =/ then i returned to reality as my alarm on my cell phone rung. i had a hella hard erection and i was just sad that it was all a dream. hmm.. i gotta get through this i did this to myself and to her. what do i do?

longest day ever

i really cant sleep. i feel like its been the longest day ever and that all my old friends can't speak to me anymore. its like i get this vibe that they are all on her, my ex's side, and it just makes me fell more lonely. in reality, i know that they aren't taking sides, but i just beat myself up on stuff like that all the time. my conscience is not clear and my loneliness is off the walls. when i'm with freinds, i feel like i'm invincible, i can do anything. when i'm alone, its like i can't find anybody to kick it with or text up or just have a conversation with. i always had her to hit me up =(. i know it sounds hella bad coming from me, but i took what she gave me for granted. i gave her as much as i could for as long as i could. when all along, she was giving me something that i loved in my life. i am such an a-hole for breaking her heart though. i know she will never forgive me for that. but i will never forget what happened last year. its a lose lose situation, for the both of us. i still care for her, i still pray for her every morning. there hasn't been one day that has past that i did not think of her at least once. she especially comes into my mind when im all alone. i call folks to kick it with but they are either busy or with their significant other. i'm really struggling with this whole single business. sometimes i just wanna get a rebound chick to make the pain go away. but i know that it will just end with unhappiness. i have not healed from the pain of this break. i just cant look at my self in the mirror and see the same person. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but its just so strange. i really wanted to kick it tonight, like go clubbing, hit on some girls that i shouldn't really care about and follow through with my "oat sowing" phase of life. i hella just feel vulnerable to most anything. its like i wanna be another person, one that is not me. hmmm well im beat now. goodngiht world...

sunday morning..

so its sunday morning, almost 4 am and i'm still up. can't sleep, just being lonely and thinking of how i would feel if i didn't tell her how i felt. i constantly think about how i really messed up by saying that. its done and over with now though. i just have to deal with it and no speak with her. it hurts so bad though...

i know that after tonight...

im hella feeling the justin nozuka song "after tonight". i sometimes, actually all the time wish i could sing. like be good enough to join a boy band, or a choir or something significant.

well in reality i really don't know what's going to happen after tonight. all i know is that i am drunk and just don't wanna neglect my blog. i have neglected many things, including other blogs, and i hope to keep up with this one. i went out with my home boys tonight and basically there were like no beezies!! wtf, right!?!? well i got over it pretty quick and just drank myself to entertain. then i sobered up =/. anyways i just enjoyed the shameless attempt of my intriguing friends to holler at ladies. one of then got asked if he was gay! hahah.. ok and i digress. hahaha.. anyways yeah these girls were cute but not in my category. they were dancers in a hip hop group and out of my element. so i just laid back and watched as they shook their asses at each other and danced the night away. my the way i should mention, i am totally not a boob guy, but the bartender had a sweet pair of titties =) hahaha.. ok. getting pretty graphic, but whatever. so yeah tonight was alright and not THE night but was able to spend time with my homeboys and talk smack about each other. but i blog tonight to just say that i don't really know what's gonna happen after tonight. there is one thing for certain, and that is that i will reamin single =/

goodnight world, and to the one i want to hear this, i miss you and love you =).

(i think i am passing denile and entering reality, she is no longer in my life.)