weekend full of not studying...

so this past weekend was pretty interesting. everything started on thursday.

so this past thursday started with me waking up to go to school. i was not particularly excited about school because our exams are coming up soon. so we went to class and then to lab. this is our last lab right before the practical and it seemed as if everyone had other things in mind for this weekend instead of studying. for example, one of our classmates who sits at our table was all excited for his special weekend with his lady. he was going to take her to monterey or carmel, somewhere over there to propose to her. my carpool buddy was talking about going out drinking this weekend. and me, well i'll give play by play action details as i write. lab was just a drag. to simply put it, we were just all extremly flustered at the idea of our practical because of our social lives. we really should of had a second look at the cadaver again and another look at the bones and gi tract and blah blah but we were all ready for the weekend. anyways, we leave lab and my plans were all over the place for me. so what i did when i got home was watch TV for like 5 hours. it was a complete waste of time and i loved every minute of it. i was on vacation and stressed out so i sat on my couch and chilled. after that i packed for an hour and got a call from my homeboy about going out that night. so we first hopped to a bar in the richmond district. it was a n ice little tiki bar spot where we met up for this one dude's birthday. it was cool, the place waqs packed and the folks were nice. i was just super shy and not really talked to anyone. i saw a familiar face and just posted next to him. he was talking about his great strides in confidence from going to sf state. i was mildly amused but i entertained his explanations. anyways from there, we headed to this lounge a couple blocks away from this one club loft 11. it was nice it was an anniversery party for my homey's girl. omg.. there were hella fine chickas!! but with that came hardcore as dancers.. like hip hop dancers, so as to not be hella embarassed me and my homeboys danced in our own lil corner staring at this hot women. my friend best explained it like going into a store and not being able to buy anything. this women were wow.. ok stopping now. so at this party, my homeboy's girl is smashed and she is esorted out, leaving me driving.. wackness. so we leave shortly afterwards, meeting up for some latenight flicks and dining at the video cafe on geary street. i must say fairly good food but alright selection of the movie they were showing at the time. after that fun night we all go our separate watys home.

friday morning, my plan was to leave my house and pick up my grandma to help me pack my place up at 9. i wake up at 1030. everything delayed like 2 hours but whatever, i got a lot of packing done that say. i pretty much did this packing business til like 8pm that day. i dont even remember eating that day at all. anyways my homeboy calls me up again to kick it at a sushi place near his house and i was under the impression that we were gonna go out that night again too. but as things usually go, we just bounced back to our places after dinner. being depressed as i have been i stop by the 7/11 on the way to the apartment and picked up a 40 and a bag of chips. so wack..

saturday rolls around, i had to actually move all my stuff, well majority of my things to my new room. i woke up at like 9 hung over a lil, and continued to pack. as i was packing i was going through me and my ex's stuff. i was getting emotional and just balling for like 20 minutes. i was so hung up on just little things like pictures, picture frames, keys, a hairbrush, valentines day cards, etc.. i was just ballin. about an hour later my folks and my brother arrive. we pack up my couch, the dining table, my desk with my turntables, the chairs, the dresser and a bunch of other little things. after all that packing up, me and my bro get some burgermeister in westlake. i had the california burger and it was absolutly awesome, like orgasmically awesome. i had that sandwich with onion rings and a pint of stella. as i was there i found out that ther have 2 dollar pints all day everythursay and 2 dollar glasses of wine on wednesday, all day!! isn't that great! hahaha.. so that i will keep in mind and have some get togethers there in the future. so after that i head to haight st for some shopping with a friend. there is a bunch of coutureish types of clothes at this sample sale at milk bar and lounge. it was pretty cool, i bought 5 t-shirts and a scarf and my friend bought a jacket. one of the t-shirts i got was for my cousin, who lives in queens, NY, was of a silohuette of suge knight and that had a caption at the bottom that reads "have a suge night" in glow in the dark screen. after shopping i head to japan town i pick up my sister, do a couple errands, and head to dublin pleasanton to my cousin's. we ordered pizza, we drank beer and took shots of patron and played videogames and cards and just whatever.

today was just a day of chillin, went to a baptism and the reception. and more drinking and now im tired.. phew..

yeah no studying.. so with that said i will studying and post later.

that dream was hella messed up..

so i had this dream, hella weird. in the dream, i was still with my ex and we were together at my grand parents old place in SF. one funny thing was my ex's dad did not look like her dad. he looked like my neighbor. hecka weird, he's like south american looking. i figured he was south american because him and his wife speak spanish and he was a grey-haired ponytail, one that antonio banderas would have if he were any older. anyways, to continue on with the story. i head to bed in my granparents room, and being the comfortable guy i was, i was falling asleep and my ex's dad jumps in bed to sleep as well. following that an asian chick, some chick i may or may not have seen before walks in the room. she was roaming around the house and i was eyeing her a couple times. so she walked in and she is in her underwear or a bikini. and she starts seducing her, talking dirty and pulling her bottoms to the side showing me her pussy. as that happens i hear my ex, but my gf around the corner coming to the room. next thing i know, the asian chick is next to me in the bed grabbing my hand and sticking it in her crocth. i wanted to begin to pleasure her, but my ex comes in my life. this is sorta how i feel with my real life. i am just not ready to get with other women just yet. although i have this strong sexual tension, i don't know if its the right time just yet. =/

kinda lame...

well i just had one of the longest days ever today. let me begin with the events that had taken place tuesday night. so i had my speech class til about 915 or so. as soon as i get out of the dead zone that is my classroom, i get a text from my homeboy. he says that a bunch of folks are heading to our "cheers" bar. it was another one of our homie birthday. i really am not trying to be ghetto or anything so yeah, their my boys. anyways to continue with the story it was my boy, o dizzle's 25th birthday! i came a little later that other folks but we hav fun nonetheless. it started off with the small talk over beers, light beers to be exact. we're all single now and we're just looking out for the ladies. you know trying to be eye candy or whatever. hahah.. anyways we dominated the jukebow prolly playing 20bucks worth of songs. we played everthing from TLC to ah-ha to george michael to journey to mary j blige. we were jamming. me not being as drunk as everyone else, was not playing the role of lead singer in this boy bad. ahhah.. good times. anyways we had a good time and we all parted ways to our places. i get home and i sleep. this time i was just determined to sleep well and i insisted i have a dream. so i fall asleep and i do dream. it was short, but i do remember one thing. i was about her, my ex. it was me and her having sex and it was as if she could not enjoy it. what does that mean? everytime we did mess around she was all about it. i, on the other hand, was not always in the mood but would pleasure her and give her that fix. i guess i just don't have that strong of a sexdrive but i do enjoy it when i get to do it. anyways it was as if we switched places and it was kind of an awakening. i was incredible disappointed when i woke from the dream. was that what she was feeling everytime i felt that way? i wonder, hmmm... but yeah the was kinda lame and i just dwelled on that a little today. i should have done a lot in the relationship and i was just so cold for the last couple months of our relationship. i feel it was my fault for making her feel the way she feels. even though i feel i made mistakes, my feelings still haven't changed about her. i still love her, but i have no intention to get back into the relationship. whats killing me inside is the fact that she is prolly thinking i'm happy. i'm not, i'm exactly the opposite. i may be getting what needs to get done but i am certainly not happy. is happiness what i need though? maybe not right now..

lonely

so i'm counting. its been 54 days since i last seen her. and it's been so hard. she doesn't even know that i miss her. that fact just kills me. i want to tell her how i feel, but things are just going to be exactly the same. i still don't feel like i'm ready to talk to her because i don't think i'm ready to get back with her. i'm not saying that is exactly what is going to happen but i just feel like thats a possibility, that i can't handle. but i'm just lonely nowadays. i sit at home all alone, watching tv. i try to make it out of this place but i end up just missing her. i talk to other girls when i'm out, but they don't mean as much as she did to me. i wake up imagining her next to me. its a sad and hard decision i have made and its truly killing me. i wish that she never did what she did. i know how great of a person she is. i know she loves me. i know she's dying without me. and so am i...

postpone that last post...

so i feel like there is a lot of thinking to do about my ex. i really left her hanging with the whole break up. i never told her how i actually feel. all i told her is how i could not be in the relationship. how i could not move on with the relationship knowing what she had done. she sees what had happened was a technicality because we were not together. i guess it was wrong of me to try and save the relationship. but i was insanely in love and wanted her to know that i was willing to forgive her for all of that. although i do forgive her, i just cannot forget it. i still love her with everything that has happened, even though we are not together. i still think about her constantly, pray for her everyday, its like she is still apart of my life. she doesn't know that i still have these feelings because she is assuming that my silence, my decision to not speak, see, have anything to do with her means that i don't care or love her. but in reality, i just need this time to make sure i know what i really want, which is to be with her. this time apart can be real painful because when we broke up last summer, i could not let her be. all summer long she was pretty much with someone else but i continued to court her. but as i was courting her, she was still seeing the other guy. she pretty much assured me that she wanted to be with me. but i was absolutely confused out of my mind when she slept with someone else, had sex with him, whatever you want to call it. it was completely contradictory. as bad as it sounds, i just tried to forget about it. i tried to live with me forgiving her for this. i was convinced that it was ok because we were technically not together. then it happened again. but she hid that fact from me for a couple of months. again i forgive her. what was i thinking. this guy was absolutely dangerous to our relationship. but i trusted her, i knew what she wanted, and it was me. but my feelings still changed alot with our constant fighting. it was like we fought every couple weeks. and i would bring up the same shit. although i trust her and everything, i was paranoid with her internet relationships and text messaging and everything. so my feelings just changed, drastically, over a period of a couple of months from this summer. i just never iniated conversation, made plans for her and i, nothing. i was a deadbeat boyfriend. i was the guy that just followed her with whatever she wanted to do. i wasn't romantic, nothing. i think it just came out that way naturally, like i just didn't feel we were clicking anymore. i think i was just tired of the relationship, the fighting, the incident from that dreaded labor day weekend, and much more. but as much as i don't want to be in a relationship with her right now, i still care. i still love her. i want her to know i too am dying inside knowing i'm not with her. this whole break up thing was really hard for me too. she just sees me as having a jolly old time being without her. its not freaking easy i'll say. i just look like a dick for not speaking with her. but aside from all that i am quite content with my decision to say what i said to her and the decisions i have made following that. i remember my friend asking me this week how i was feeling. she knows the situation and i told her, "i'm feeling somewhere in between terrible and happy." i'm glad that i said what i said but i'm terrible without her. i'm terrible for sticking with this relationship, thinking that everything is ok and just not telling her the truth about how i was really feeling at that moment. but now that we are separated i do miss her but can't think about being in a relationship with her right now. i care about her so much that i can see a possibility of us getting back together but thats just my feeling. she may feel different. i care and love her so much that i don't mind that she needs anything from me, that she wants to call me, that she wants to talk about anything, i just feel terrible that she feels like i don't love or care for her. i think she wouldn't feel that way if she had more support. but i see that she really has none. i want to be that support, but it would be so contradictory of me. on top of that, i really don't have anything to say to her. hence my silence or just lack of attention for her the last couple months of our relationship. its hard not to think about her but its alot easier to just worry about myself. so yeah, i guess i'm still not ready to speak with her. i just have nothing to say still. if there was something i wanted her to know it would be:

i love her but not enough to get back together. i want to see what else is out there because all i know about women is her. i want to be sure. i thought i was sure with her, but my emotions lead me away from that. what ultimitely pushed me to tell her my feelings, my decison to break up, was lack of love i was giving her. she deserves the best. i had given that to her. but my love just diminished over the course of the year with the fighting and everything, including that incident. i'm taking this time to just do my thing. i do think we could be together again but not right now. i really want her to know that she is a beautiful person with a lot of passion. i want her to know that i love her and care for her. i just want her to know she is loved and will always be loved.

what goes through my mind once once or twice a week is the song "whisper" by ernie halter. sometimes i just want her to know i do want to be with her. but i know i'm not ready..

black and blue mixtape...

so to take my mind off the whole bidness with my ex, i made a mixtape. it is really helping alot with my feelings, its mainly a lot of songs about the art of courting. on top of that, there are a couple songs, in particular the first and last songs, that represent confusion and conflict about what to do in the situation.

the first track is kanye west's new jam love lockdown. this song really speaks to me because its so complex, the feeling that is. and these feelings are just a reflection on my own about my ex. the songs begins with, "i'm not loving you the way i wanted to". and that is exactly how the relationship was turning into. my feelings changed so much after that dreaded day. so much more of the song was true in my life like, "what i had to do had to run from you","i met no one new","but i've got love for you but i'm not loving you".. an so much more..

i will continue this mxtape analysis.. so hungry and must get ready for work!

she also said she likes my new google pic...

i'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears...

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stuck...

i feel hella stuck. my life is on pause. once i broke up with my girl, my love life has essentially been pretty shady. its like i meet these girls and get nothing out of it.. hmmm

tba