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strangest of feelings..

today i feel just all over the place. the one thing that i feel like i need is a solid support system. i need friends that are just always down. always hitting me up and seeing whats up with me. i feel as if i lost that feeling when i departed from my relationship. she was everything, she was that and then some. she loved me with a passion. she was down, and understanding and there for me all the time. i did my best to be that for her. i was not enough. i'm not drunk in any way at all and i still display these feelings of sadness and regret about me and her, after months and months have past, i still have something missing in my life. it sucks. i have learned to live with this but i can't get it out of my head. she is constantly in everything i do. when i wake up, when i'm working, when i drive, when i sleep.. its hard to live without her. she won't allow me in her life anymore. i just feel it. she is just ready for me to leave this planet that i share with her. i on the other hand just don't know what i want. she is great but can i live with what she has done. she did it to me and to herself. i dont know if i can go on feeling the way i feel for her with thoughts of her and another human being having interupted our life. im not angry anymore, just frustrated. just in such denile. im not scared of what is to come next, but i am scared of what i am leaving behind. it has been literally months since i have had a good nights sleep. the last i remembered i had a good nights sleep, i was pasted out from binging on alcohol waking up with no shirt on. its destructive and i have come to the point where i don't need to do that anymore. i dont know what i should do or feel. i really don't. i feel like i am in a position where i should maybe see other people and get a grip on what it is i really want. it is easy to say but hard to do, especially since i am a guy. i think the agressiveness that i am not needs to come out to push me out into the ocean of fishes and seek for another potential. ok as you can see with the records of my posts, i really have a problem with sleeping and i think that i need to at least attempt my slumber now so i get enough time for my next day of life.

called in..

ok its past midnight. yesterday was a weird day for me. first of all i called in sick for work. first reason i did this was because i was actually not feeling well. secondly i just needed a day of rest. i have been getting worked. that past couple of weeks i have been stressed and caught up with this insane workload dumped on me from sick calls, poor scheduling, and just working with certain people. it has gotten to the point where my manager has had to point out my mistakes that i have been making within my duties. its bad.. well i took the day off to just rest up and bring some sanity back to my life. i woke up today around 8 to call in, and got out of bed like 1030ish. i made some noodles to go with my leftovers from the slanted door. such yummy food and great scenery from there. anyways, ate that, and kinda lounged around for like 2-3 hours. i needed to just destress myself and lounging was what i needed sorta. then i decided to go shopping. i know i shouldn't be out and about when im sick but whatever. i made my way to the san mateo area. so since i received my costco rebate from the american express i opened up there, i decided to browse the store for any goodies. that was unsucessful so i headed to the macys down the road for their one day sale. i walked in and found that there were some awesome deals so i walked outta there with a couple large shopping bags full of stuff. with me were new dress shoes, ties, a coat and 2 sweaters. pretty good. but as i was shopping i received a call from which i did not recognize. it was from the east bay somewhere. at first i didn't think nothing of it. then after calling it back, i became anxious.

as i called the number back, a familiar voice answered telling me that they would call me back even before i had anything to say. after that i call, i knew it was her, my exgirlfriend. it was making my day just a whirlwind of emotions. i didn't know why she was calling me but out of courtesy i answered the call back she was gonna give me. she wanted to apologize for acting the way she acted when i saw her last week. i am such a push over and said o yeah its ok, don't worry about it. she continued to tell me that she was going through some things and didn't want to see me. she not really ready to see or talk to me at all. she told me she changed her number not because of me but because someone was harassing her. it made me concerned and suspicious at the same time. but it was just so out of the blue. if i was working today i would have never got the missed call or anything. hmmm.. well in between all this my homegirl helped me with controling my emotions. im so appreciative of her and she has been such a good friend. well after that, i got some brewskies and chips, watched the warriors game and some NCAA action at my friends place in the mission. after all that, i just headed home. there are places where i could have gone, but im just so.. confused.

its times like this..

that i think of stupid things that i would want to do. for instance, on days like this, where all my classes are done for the day, i have no work, and its incredibly beautiful out side, that i wanna spend time with a woman in bed with the sun shining on our naked bodies as we make love. wow. what a sentence right. but with the luck that i have been having, there are no women in my life that fit that position. although there are many women that i have been meeting, kicking it with, my nice guy status just says it all. no aggressiveness, not hmph, not enough for some of these girls. they want the badass that i don't wanna be.

but yes. that is all i wanna do.

tired and sore..

well i have been doing so much to keep my insane together. i just got the bomb dropped on me this monday from my mom that my dad is in possible jeopardy with his job at kaiser. now i don't just have to worry about my mom being out of a job but now i am worried about my dad as well. to escape from all this drama that makes my go crazy, i decide to stay out of my house. i know that the problem doesn't go away but i at least don't have to face the reality that i am living in. i feel so much pressure coming from them but its not their fault. the economy is what is driving my stress. i want to do so much like go out do things like take motorcycle classes, go to bars, visit museums, watch movies but i can't really. there is nobody to go with. all my friends are broke and some don't have jobs. i have no girlfriend, nor do i think i need one, and i have no one to spoil. all i do is work out, exercise and mope around, making my life as miserable as i can. i need something. there is something missing in my life that just makes whole and i hope its not what i let go. as much as it hurt her, letting her go may have cost me a whole mess of emotions that is harming my health. hmm.. i tried, it took a long while but i tried, no response. its just sad. i hope what i need in my life comes soon because i am literally deteriorating from all this stress in my life. currently in my cd player is an old cure CD. the album disintegration is just extremely depressing and is one of the best albums put together that i have heard. its helping me release some emotions that need a out. i cry to the song "pictures of you" and it just is something that describes what i do in my room when im alone. its so depressing looking at them, its so sad that our relationship ended. we're not even freinds anymore. she is disgusted to see my face. i cant even be several feet away from her. forgiveness and 2nd chances. i tried, but its not what she wants. i don't know what she wants. i don't know what i want. our lives are just is opposite directions. as i chase what her, with intent of gaining a friend back, she runs away with disgust and anger and animosity. it hurts and knowing her, she will hold on to those feelings and not give them up. i try and may try again beacause she is special. although she may think that i may not want her in my life, i really do. its complicated to explain. i want her in my life but not as my significant other. she had that position and it disappeared when things she decided to do those unspeakable things. my body needs rest.. from the stress i bring upon myself and the stress of life itself.

was it a good idea..

no it was not. so i thought in my inebriated state of consciousness that it was a good idea to tap my ex girlfriends shoulder and be civil. no. i regret what i did and now feel like an idiot. that is all. too drunk to type.

in a lose lose situation..

i may seem happy to some but i am so not. if i could describe how i'm feeling, it would be a combination of anxiety, sadness, and content. im unhappy and happy at the same time. bittersweet. i think i need some time off to just relax and think about my life. that is not going to happen anytime soon. i am so busy with my school and work that i just can't stop and feel. i mean i'll have like 30 minutes here, 2 hours there, but really there is a constraint. there is no real relaxtion. i need something and i just don't know what it is.. well i gotta get to my studying. have been procrastinating for the past couple hours and just need to get on my shit.

one thing that is occupying my time though is my car. it makes me happy. oo, sorry she does. haha.. when i first got her, i named her. destiny =) anyways here's a pic.