waking up in denile...

the best way to describe my feelings right now..

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart" - John Mayer

dreams..

the past couple nights i have been having some crazy dreams. wednesday night i think, i remember having a dream about sleeping with my classmate/ co-worker. nothing sexual or too inappropriate but just going to bed, spooning. when i was with my lady, i hella thought about how it was to be single. with that feeling i had crazy thoughts about hooking up with so many different people including her. i started talking to her, like just friendly talk, more when she and her man had some problems. but she ended up back with her man and we're now just classmates and co-workers. so i dunno what this all means but i think i have been hella lonely lately, last night i had a dream and it included me and her, my former significant other. i woke up so sad, hurt. i woke up to the reality of the situation. in my dream we were together nothing wrong with our relationship. we were both happy just chillin on the couch with her in my arms. at this point i am now crying typing this down. it makes me so sad to just get back to reality.

feeling..

alone..

this feeling i have right now is just so foreign to me. i cant really describe it. in my life, like many others, there is time you are at work, time not at work, and this semester, time in school. my life with her was simply work then her. my life now is work then school. school is awesome and all but isn't really filling in for her. being in a relationship is much more satisfying that having to study. hmmm... is that true though?

to be continued..

cant sleep..

so stupid of me to be interested in things other than my relationship problems. so i have an interest in finding clever quotes in songs. one of them is abbreviated as fbgm. i put that on my googletalk away message. it means fuck bitches, get money. so apparently my ex seems to think im talking about her. wonderful. i say forget that. i'm so over that drama bullshit. i'm totally an ass and totally meant that about my ex. of course. i have no class. please tell me that i want to tell the women that i loved for almost 6 years of life, fuck her, i would rather work and get paid. of course.

half empty day turned out half full..

saturday..

it's all happened so fast. a little more than a week ago, we were chillin in my aunties flower shop in HI. today we stand worlds apart.

i began my day with a lot of emptiness. i woke up missing her. but why? i did this. i knew it had to be done. i was not giving what she deserves. she is an awesome person. but i was traumatized by her actions of last summer. and i can not let that go.

so today i started to take her pictures down, and grabbing the stuffed animals she has given me. it was quite sad but i held back my feelings. when we were together she made me feel like the world was empty and it was just me and her occupying it. but i have to put them away because i would just be in denile. i am not with her any more and it would give me false feelings.

i needed to get my mind off this stupid break up so i went to the library at work and just studied. it helped a little and i did a lot of studying. what has been keeping my mind off of her is my awesome friend, we'll call her E. so with E i have been hella hella feeling her. she is just so freaking awesome. we have a pretty cool connection and we just talk about whatevers. its so comforting to just have a friend around when this kinda stuff comes along. i was that same person for her last year when she broke up with her man. =/ i am just being careful around her because i care about her and don't wanna step over the line if you know what i mean. i dont wanna put myself in a position that would make our relationship awkward or anything. so with her around i feel a little fulfilled. her text messages make me laugh and we just have fun with our innocent flirting and our constant support for each other. she has been a friend through and through. with all the breaking up and that me and my ex has gone through, she was there to say she would be there. being the stupid nice guy i am, i had stayed in the relationship too long giving false hope and making myself unhappy. it is truly hard to move on with such a long term relationship. with E as a great friend, i think i can get over this sooner than i expect it. parts of me wants to go and hook up with hella random ass folks and part of me just wants to tell E how i feel. what do i do? i have no answer but what i do know is that i am going to continue to be an awesome friend to her. and hope she finds a great guy, when she wants to have one that is. that great could be me. can it? hmmm.. im not cocky at all, just hopeful.. i know im not perfect and know what i can offer. just greatness varies person to person. and i hope what i offer is great, to anyone i give to...

so yeah, this day was alright.. thanks E.

beginnings..

yesterday i broke up with my girlfriend of almost 6 years.. how do i feel? i feel like crap. there is so much that has happened but yesterday i finally said what i needed to say.

we first met a couple months before college in an outreach program. as i was nodding off, there was a girl talking to me. we started chatting it up and i kinda felt something for her. i was wanting to get to know her more, but once i let my friends with me at the program know, they told me she was annoying. me being a follower listened and didn't speak to her anymore. we then met again at a chemistry placement test for college. she approached me and i kinda shunned her away. =( again i was being an ass. finally, college rolled around and we coincidently became neighbors. when i was coming into college i was getting over this one other girl who sent me mixed signals in the summer. so like what most college kids did, i drank my sorrows away. i drank and drank and would sometime end up in her room talking her ear off. other than drinking, i participated in other extracurricular activities. i was really involved in a community of students who were passionate about their culture. there were many aspects including singing, dancing, writing, and even acting. in getting involved with that, i saw that she was also in so many of these activities. so we would leave to events with each other and started to get to know each other. on top of these events, we also went to some classes together. there was this one showing of a film and when were sitting next to each other. she was playing a game with me with our hands which lead to us holding each others hands. it was a feeling i think neither of us have ever felt before. at that moment, it was as if we could never wipe our smiles off our faces. we spent so much time with each other from that point on until about yesterday. from coordinating a dance troupe, to charing and apartment, to visiting other countries, we have invested so much in each other. we have most definitely had our differences and it has just lead to disappointment.

there were many points on my part that have just devastated her. to name a few: going out drinking knowing she is going to take care of me and she has a final the following day, leaving her out of a las vegas trip with co-workers (i've been telling her that they (mainly girls) have been flirting with me), breaking the promise of moving out with each other after graduation. so you get the point, i did hella stupid stuff. but after all this, she still wants to be with me, until last summer.

so last year, late may, she no longer wants to put up with my crap and we break up. what happens now you ask? well, being the internet whore she is, she gets closer to this one guy she meets on craigslist. now she tells me that she has been speaking with him since about october, while we were still together. she would talk to him about just anything that i didn't. she got to know him so well that once we broke up, she started "kinda seeing" him. mind you, following us breaking up, i hung around. i mean really hung around. i was there just as often or even more than when we were together. my commute to her was not an easy trek either. so one day when i was over i stumbled over on her computer trying to help her set up her new phone, a blackberry. so in doing that, a message popped up on her google chat. i asked her that was and she told me she was "kinda seeing" him. a feeling of disgust and fear ran up and down my body. all along i thought we were trying to work things out but she thought different. from that point on, my life has been hell. pure hell i tell you. the reason she got the blackberry was so she can be in contact with him better. they would message each other all the time, even when she was with me. so i moved forward with my plan to win her back. she helped with setting up my birthday which i was really appreciative of an thought that we were getting closer to getting back together. before my birthday she even told me that she was not gonna speak to that guy anymore. i had so much faith in her statement that i even drop her off to go see him. wtf! ur prolly thinking. but i trusted her, and we moved forward. the birthday past and it was pretty good one. but as much as i thought it was going good it was only gonna get worse. two day following my birthday, i text her all day and no reply. then she gets back at me and tells me that she had been with him all day long. i was thinking to myself, j! what the hell!! you are such a stupid!! so from that point i thought to myself i should of given up and try to get out there and see other people. but what did i do, i stuck with my plan of continuing to win her back. this whole time we were still sexually active with each other and it just was comforting to be with her than alone. but being the snoop i am, i looked in her email and chat logs. she was messing around with him too. as disgusted as i was i hid my feelings and had my eye on the prize. from talking to all my friends and family, i thought to myself that i needed to give this up because it was killing me. i wanted to completely cut off our communication because i was killing me knowing that she was with someone else. so at that point i took a trip to NY to get my mind off things and saw some folks and had an alright time. but what does she do? well even though we agreed to no communicate with each other she continued to contact me and she told me she was gonna go to HI. immediately i had a feeling she was gonna be there with the guy. she told me earlier that she was thinking about going to HI with him and not with me somewhere else. so her texting me and sending pix messaged on her phone of HI was not a good time for me. but her presence in messaging me, i accepted because i missed her. so i was killing myself softly. she returns and time passes by and she says she is ready to get back together. so we do our thang and although we were not together, i got the feeling that she did want us to be together. so as i was "courting" her, she continued to talk to the guy kinda. i didn't think much of it until labor day weekend last year. i slept over and when we woke up, she left to the bathroom. what did i do? go into her phone. bad idea. so the night before she said she was gonna see him for the last time. (yeah, right!!) so i was curious what they would talk about and i killed myself that day by doing that. so she slept with him the night before myself. in the bed me and her bought.. i was just devastated. i will have never forget that day. never ever. i was so blind and stupid. i let it go. we were not together and i forgave her because i wanted to be with her. wrong idea j!! you just made yourself live with the fact that your girlfriend slept with another man when you were trying to get back together. so that day we talked it out and tried to make it work, our relationship. she continued to talk to him. i tried not to let that bother me but then she says that she wanted to take some time for herself, 6 months to be exact. to be celibate and not be in a relationship. but that was total bs. after 3 days she comes to me and wanted to mess around. and guess who else she messed around with. what a slut!! but i know how good of a person she was so i gave her a chance. months pass, she stops talking to him. we go to the asia. we do so much together. but that event that happened labor day weekend never left my mind. it made me think to myself, i asked myself just about everyday since we got back together that labor day weekend if i was making the right choice. do i want to be in this relationship? then i finally got the feeling to tell her, that i want to see what else is out there. and now thats were i stand in life.

single...