big ass hiatus

damn, just had to write about this crazy ass dream...

so i went to grade school with this now hipster chick that now lives in brooklyn as a go go dancer. she invited me and almost everyone i know to a party at her loft (dunno if its in the bay or in the east coast). all i remember is this one chick, i think i had wrote about her before (booty shorts), she came on to me as if something was wrong. she says to me, "is it cool if i lay here with you?" we spooned under some blankets watching something on the tv in the room we were in. we weren't alone either. a whole bunch of folks i knew were in there including my ex-girlfriend. i ended up messing around with her, just groping and holding on to her hips and what not. then i try something i prolly shouldn't have done. apparently i was a bit drunk and horny and the party and i try and slip a finger down there. it was a cool but she was about to be on her period. she was grabbed my hand after and was giving me the not now look. anyways i got up to go to the bathroom to wash up. good thing i was wearing dark jeans.. haha.. anyways, after i was done washing up i think she went looking for me. the loft (well the loft turned into a huge mansionish loft) was just too expansive to find anybody or anything. i was really wanting to talk to her to see if everything was alright. i know she has a boyfriend but there might have been something up between the two. otherwise she would have never laid next to me.

my interpretation of the dream was that although there are other women and relationships i pursue, my first and one love will be there to haunt me. she looked pissed as i was all hugged up with someone else. i knew it wasn't doing anything wrong. i was getting my own shit together. she is a part of my life but i have learned to deal with things on my own. meaning i don't need her to accept the lifestyle i have. although it may hurt her, i need to make myself happy..

man i sound like a dick.

month full of problems..

wow its been a while since i blogged but what matters is that i am blogging now.

where do i begin with:

1. so there is this girl i have been dating and i think i have to quit playing myself and let her go. i have already started distancing myself from her but there are some complicated things in the mix of this relationship. so the first problem is that i have told her that i don't want a relationship. following that statement she goes and tells me that she wants one. after several weeks of knowing these are the feelings that we have for each other, we continue to hang out. i think it wont be long before a heart is broken...

2. so its just been a couple of hours since i saw my ex-girlfriend. don't know where to begin with this one...

too much is going on in my head with this one..


*the question that arises:
should i be alone or make things happen??

picking up the pieces..

so much has happened the past couple weeks. first was vegas.

i went with a couple of girls from grammar school that i have been hanging out with the past couple months. it was a pretty good time considering the belief that would've been awkward for me to be kicking it with a bunch of girls. one of the girls brought her boyfriend and that was nice to have some testosterone in the room. the first night we went to tao. to save some money we pregamed in the room, goose all the way! the night was a blurr.. when we left the club, all i remember was having two of the girls on my arms as we walked back to palazo. we got back to the hotel room, i woke up and having a very bad recolection on the night. the other guy staying with us was asking about some gatorade and i suggested walgreens. and he was like yeah i know we were just there last night! haha.. anyways after composing ourselves we left the room to head out for breakfast and the pool. it was a nice sunny day.. laid out all day and i got dark. went back to the room, napped, and went to outback steakhouse for dinner. gambled and headed back to the hotel for night 2. as the ladies were getting ready, me and the other dude drank.. i drank so heavily, i didn't recall where we ended up the next day! anyways, we went to tryst at the wynn. it was a pretty nice place as far as i remember. we danced and danced, it was just a blurr again. what i do remember was leaving the club with one of the girls just me and her. she wasnt feeling too good so she gave me her shoes, and we walked back to the room. this girl is one of hte chicks that i have been jocking for super long. she has been hitting me up prior to this almost every weekend. she has been been giving me hella mixed signals and i just play it by ear. like she is just a cute ass down women that i would like to hook up with. i dunno if i wanna be in a relationship with her but, i do like her. i like spending time with her and all that junk. anyways she wasnt hung up in my arm, we held hands all the way to the room.. this is just too much for me because i just end up over thinking this hand holding thing. its sweet and innocent but i dont think she wants that. anyways. she is fun.. next day rolls around, fly back to sfo.

monday.. call in sick, watch hella movies from the redbox at safeway. have dinner with the coworkers and fill them in on the weekend. i love my coworkers for real. they are always down to kick it and find me to be their source of entertainment and fun. we go to the gorilla bbq in pacifica and it was damn good.

tuesday comes around and i just fall into a trance of work. that was day 1 of 9.. i slowly fall apart and when the day i get off comes around. i just spend it driving around finding out MJ dies.. friday.. saturday. sunday. work, work, work.. last night graveyards and the same with tonight. got this schedule til thursday night.

too tired to continue so i will later.

The perfect day begins as such..

I wrote this when I was with my ex. This is how I imagined a perfect day would begin.

thoughts of you

i'm lying in my bed just thinking of the one i love
she is the most beautiful woman i have ever laid my eyes, ears, mind, hands and lips on
i imagine her on a beautiful white linen bed on a saturday morning
as i open my eyes to welcome the new day
she rests her pretty face on a pillow
as the sun crawls through the window and hits our entangled bodies
she opens her eyes and discovers i am lying next to her
she smiles and rustles in content
as our eyes meet, i bring my body closer to hers and we both fall into a state of bliss
i take a deep breath and inhale the sweet aroma of her long dark hair and fragrant scent
i stop to admire her beautiful face
those cute dimply cheeks paired with her pillowy soft lips compels me to take action
my hands take a journey around her delicate body culminating into a rush of blood throughout our bodies
our warmth once again roused our souls to connect
my face is perched on the back of her head as my lips move down to her awaiting neck
she wakes as i make a move down her chest and into her breast
as my lips wonder around her chocolate kisses, she places her hands on the back of my head
she is awake and stares into my eyes
then our lips meet in an explosion of passion
our hands wandering, our tongues massaging
we settle down and look into each others eyes and see our hearts as one
we embrace once more before getting more physical
my lips left hers down her bosom onto her stomach she cries out a soft moan
my lips move further south into her inner thighs
those strong legs of hers tense as i massage with my tongue
her body quivers as i deliver i tongue into her moist lips
the intensity of this union leads her to my member
i then tremble in satisfaction as she pleasures me..

Its not finished but soon will. Hopefully even fulfilled..
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Rough mornings..

So last week I was on the graveyard shift and after one day of rest I'm back to the regular swing of things. It was not easy let me tell you. First of, thursday night was the last graveyard shift so after working that night, I headed to safeway for a day full of movies before I go to sleep. I ended up watching baby mama and the bank job (two totally different movies right??). I knocked out, woke up around 7, heading over to my homeboy's spot for a little to session (dj stuff, not toking up) and then to an art show. Oh boy did I get stupid drunk. $2 drafts in a restaurant around the corner. I ended up getting shitfaced, texting these girls and regretting some of that night. Stupid ass me gets driven to my homeboy's place, mind you I'm still trashed, and drive home. I park just right (not scraping my rims this time) and end up stripping into my birthday suit to wake up just in time for my shift at 1pm. Rough morning lemme tell you.. So I make a sad attempt to go out again later that night and just end up alone watching the benjamin button movie and finishing a bottle of red wine to myself. Same story for sunday, rough morning. I planned last week, "oh yeah, I could totally go to the gym before work." Yeah right didn't happen. Had an early 8am shift today (or should I say yesterday) and was hella late. I thought I'd work out afterwards but that totally didn't happen. Anyways its been a rough couple of days, need to get to the gym sometime!
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Another night alone..

I came home from work today, watched the curious case of benjamin button and I drank an entire bottle of red wine from the philippines. I opened that bottle and was reminded of the life I was living a year ago. I bought that bottle of wine when I was in the philippines for a wedding for my exgirlfriends cousin. One year ago, it was nba finals time again and I remember just breaking up with my ex for the millionth time. This time we split, I could not take her constant need for answers. She just wanted to know what was going to happen. I didn't know what to do. So I told her I need time.. Even though I asked her for that she kept nagging me, "do you know what you want?" And I didn't. Although I didn't have a clue of what to do with our relationship, I caved in. We got back together. I really didn't want to but I couldn't see her suffer. She was so happy with me at her side. She felt safe in my arms, in my life. There was once satisfaction in seeing her smile but it disappeared a long while ago. I just didn't have that same feeling of love when she was with another man. I couldn't handle it. Some men can but not I. I still think about her, I still peep at what her away message on aim says, I still speak of her with the heartbreak I caused her and myself. I have so much life ahead of me. What do I do?? I have much time for myself but find myself wanting to give it to others. I am a creature of giving. I need for others to take what I offer. I can't.. I'll finish later
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She loves me, she loves me not..

Well I have to say that once again my mind is playing tricks on me. I mean I really like E but its not gonna happen. She is such an awesome person, I mean she is attractive, smart, funny, and is able to put up with my lameness. Haha.. Anyways, I feel as if I have been texting her a lot and its cool but I just don't know what to think about it. Ok I am obviously overthinking once again instead of studying.. Yeah, I got a final tomorrow.
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Still not ready..

Well its been a super long time since I started this whole blog thing and I still don't think I'm ready to see other people. It's not that I'm shy or not confident enough to approach women. Its the fact that I still have not gotten over my ex girlfriend. I still care, I still love.. I know that I broke up with her and said that I wanted to see other people, but it has been hard to just do that.

When I approach a woman, the thing that sticks in my mind is if this is the kind of woman that I wanna start a relationship with. I don't think so much like the typical guy, the whole, getting into pants thing. I am a relationship kinda person, not so much a date kinda person.

I find that kind of a fault of mine. So many people are out there and want to date. I want that. I wanna have that same desire to date, but I just want to be in a relationship. Hmm.. Well I guess that's what people my age have to find out. I have to find out what I want and things will hopefully follow.
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had to share..

http://eargasmix.blogspot.com/2009/02/80s-roundup.html

float..

pretty wings - maxwell